We are NutzWorld. Resistance is futile. You will be
assimilated.
WAYS TO GET OUT OF A
BLIND DATE
Discretely fill your pockets
with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements,
etc.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally.
When ordering, inquire whether
the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your
date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk
with your mouth full and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your
date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about
conservation."
Eat everything on your plate
within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the
restroom. Go back to the head waiter and ask for another table in a
different part of the restaurant.
Order another meal. When your
date finally finds you, ask: "What took you so long in the
bathroom?"
Drool.
Stand up every five minutes,
circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Sacrifice French fries to a
Pagan god.
Stare at your date's neck and
grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If your
date asks about it, pretend you don't know what he's talking about.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Order a bucket of lard.
Upon entering the restaurant,
ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and
where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick
your date's.
Ask for crayons to color the
placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with
linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's
legs, especially if you're female.
Recite your dating history.
Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
Recite dirty limericks to the
people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at neighboring
tables for food.
Beg your date to tattoo your
name on her derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout
the meal.
