Late night TV scares me.
The networks are fine. I can take David Letterman or endless reruns
of Murder She Wrote. It's these independant UHF channels that give me
the willies. I'm not afraid of the psychotic killer in the late night
movie who cuts up horny teenagers in the middle of the night using the
most innovative techniques ever invented. I'm afraid of the commercials.
Like vampires, these commercials sleep during the day, preferring to
prowl at night. I once wondered whether these commercials might suck
brain cells like Dracula sucks blood, but then I realized that the
people these commercials are aimed at don't HAVE any brain cells. There
are three categories of these commercials - the million kitchen gadgets
you can get for only $19.95, the incredibly gorgeous women who wouldn't
take the time to spit on you in high school that you can now converse
openly with for only $49.95 a minute, and the legal eagles.
I don't own a ginsu knife. It's not that I don't crave one or
anything, I just can't figure out what to do with the other 87
"handy kitchen tools" that come with it. Buying a ginsu is
exactly the opposite of buying a car. When you buy a car, the salesman
is likely to say something like "Oh wait! I forgot! The car also
comes with brakes. That will cost an additional $3300." With the
ginsu, the salesman says "O.k., here's the knife.. now we're gonna
GIVE you this vegetable peeler absolutely FREE!" Imagine that! The
only problem with all of this free stuff is that it is worth what you
pay for it. I must give the advertisers credit, though. They'll give you
a toothpick and call it the "Mini Vegetable and Fruit Kabob - amaze
your friends as you eat your fruit and vegetables without getting your
hands dirty. It also features an attractive wood grain finish and is
completely dishwasher safe." The Ginsu itself is an amazing
engineering feat. Did you know that it can actually slice through a tin
can? I saw it done in the commercial. When would you want to do that?
Maybe when your buddy says "Hey Bob! Wanna split a beer?"
While I am still salivating at the idea of slicing through my
favorite beverages with a shining Ginsu, I find myself staring at a
beautiful woman who says she wants to talk to me. She reminds me of the
girl in high school who hit me in the head with a newspaper because she
mistook me for a cockroach. If I dial 1-900-HOT-BABE I can speak to this
woman and it will only cost me $49.95 per minute. The thing that really
scares me is that there are people who ACTUALLY CALL this number and
some of these people operate cars. If I'm going to pay $49.95 a minute,
it is going to be for a good, cheap plumber.
The commercials that frighten me the most are the ones for the legal
eagles. These guys make a living out of suing people for doing such
negligent things as breathing. Their ads begin with things such as
"Have you been injured recently? We'll help you get the
compensation you deserve." That translates out to "Here, wear
this neck brace for a few weeks and you can retire." The scariest
thing now is that the chiropracters on this station are getting in on
the act, too. I saw an ad for one that said "If you have been
injured, come to us, we'll fix you up and then sue whoever injured you
to get our fee. You pay nothing." Doctors are suing people for you.
Doesn't that sound strange? The way things are, it won't be long before
you go to a doctor for a second opinion and the doctor sues your first
doctor for malpractice, then turns around and sues you for an on-the-job
injury because he got a writer's cramp writing up your bill.
I would tell you about the other scary commercials, but the movie has
started again and the villian is about to carve up two teenagers and
their six-pack of beer - with a Ginsu!