The networks are fine. I can take David Letterman or endless reruns of Murder She Wrote. It's these independant UHF channels that give me the willies. I'm not afraid of the psychotic killer in the late night movie who cuts up horny teenagers in the middle of the night using the most innovative techniques ever invented. I'm afraid of the commercials. Like vampires, these commercials sleep during the day, preferring to prowl at night. I once wondered whether these commercials might suck brain cells like Dracula sucks blood, but then I realized that the people these commercials are aimed at don't HAVE any brain cells. There are three categories of these commercials - the million kitchen gadgets you can get for only $19.95, the incredibly gorgeous women who wouldn't take the time to spit on you in high school that you can now converse openly with for only $49.95 a minute, and the legal eagles.

I don't own a ginsu knife. It's not that I don't crave one or anything, I just can't figure out what to do with the other 87 "handy kitchen tools" that come with it. Buying a ginsu is exactly the opposite of buying a car. When you buy a car, the salesman is likely to say something like "Oh wait! I forgot! The car also comes with brakes. That will cost an additional $3300." With the ginsu, the salesman says "O.k., here's the knife.. now we're gonna GIVE you this vegetable peeler absolutely FREE!" Imagine that! The only problem with all of this free stuff is that it is worth what you pay for it. I must give the advertisers credit, though. They'll give you a toothpick and call it the "Mini Vegetable and Fruit Kabob - amaze your friends as you eat your fruit and vegetables without getting your hands dirty. It also features an attractive wood grain finish and is completely dishwasher safe." The Ginsu itself is an amazing engineering feat. Did you know that it can actually slice through a tin can? I saw it done in the commercial. When would you want to do that? Maybe when your buddy says "Hey Bob! Wanna split a beer?"

While I am still salivating at the idea of slicing through my favorite beverages with a shining Ginsu, I find myself staring at a beautiful woman who says she wants to talk to me. She reminds me of the girl in high school who hit me in the head with a newspaper because she mistook me for a cockroach. If I dial 1-900-HOT-BABE I can speak to this woman and it will only cost me $49.95 per minute. The thing that really scares me is that there are people who ACTUALLY CALL this number and some of these people operate cars. If I'm going to pay $49.95 a minute, it is going to be for a good, cheap plumber.

The commercials that frighten me the most are the ones for the legal eagles. These guys make a living out of suing people for doing such negligent things as breathing. Their ads begin with things such as "Have you been injured recently? We'll help you get the compensation you deserve." That translates out to "Here, wear this neck brace for a few weeks and you can retire." The scariest thing now is that the chiropracters on this station are getting in on the act, too. I saw an ad for one that said "If you have been injured, come to us, we'll fix you up and then sue whoever injured you to get our fee. You pay nothing." Doctors are suing people for you. Doesn't that sound strange? The way things are, it won't be long before you go to a doctor for a second opinion and the doctor sues your first doctor for malpractice, then turns around and sues you for an on-the-job injury because he got a writer's cramp writing up your bill.