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TV Bites With
Neena Louise |
The 2002-2003
Fourth Annual TV BiteMes
by Neena Louise
Worst Actress
Poppy Montgomery, "Samantha Spade", Without a Trace
(Pure window dressing.)
Best Actress
Bonnie Hunt, "Bonnie Kelly", The Bonnie Hunt Show
(Nice to see her back on TV - and in fine form.)
Most Overrated Female
Jennifer Aniston, "Rachel Green", Friends (Puh-leeze.)
Most Overlooked Female
Ming-Na, "Jing-Mei Chen", ER (Her character's
airtime has dwindled to the point of looking like the comic relief.
She deserves more.)
Worst Actor
David Caruso, "Horatio Caine", CSI: Miami (Caruso's
horrible overacting seriously detracts from this otherwise good
series.)
Best Actor
William Petersen, "Gil Grissom", CSI (Even though CSI
strayed dangerously close to the schlocky with Grissom's
hearing-loss story line, Petersen's acting snatched it back from the
edge.)
Most Overrated Male
Kelsey Grammer, "Frasier Crane", Frasier (The
pompous arrogance of his character is perfectly suited to the
pompous and arrogant Grammer, but such a one-dimensional character
gets very stale.)
Most Overlooked Male
Robert David Hall, "Al Robbins", CSI (Though his
character got more airtime this past season, Hall has some of the
wittiest, perfectly-delivered lines and we need more.)
Worst Newscaster/Reporter
Paula Zahn, CNN (Bimbo begone! Thank goodness she no longer haunts
the morning broadcast.)
Best Newscaster/Reporter
John Stossel, ABC (A nice distraction from Baba Wawa on 20/20.)
Worst Commentator/Narrator
Lorenzo Lamas, Are You Hot? (This creepy, slimy has-been
should crawl back under his rock.)
Best Commentator/Narrator
Joe Morton, Africa [Nature]
Worst-Dressed Female
"Judy Miller", Jami Gertz, Still Standing (Just
because she's a working mother of three doesn't necessarily mean
she'd always dress frumpy and schlumpy.)
Best-Dressed Female
"Sidney Bristow", Jennifer Garner, Alias (Never
ceases to be...well, interesting anyway.)
Worst-Dressed Male
"Luke Danes", Scott Patterson, Gilmore Girls (The
ugly lumberjack shirts and backwards baseball caps were endearing at
first, but now they just make him look like he's trying to be 15
again. And failing.)
Best-Dressed Male
"Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola", Ice-T, Law & Order: SVU
Worst Female Body
Lara Flynn Boyle, "Helen Gamble", The Practice (Eat
a cookie, for heaven's sake.)
Best Female Body
Melissa Joan Hart, "Sabrina Spellman", Sabrina, The
Teenage Witch (Not fat and not emaciated. It's always refreshing
to see a real woman in the surreal world of television.)
Worst Male Body
Anthony LaPaglia, "Jack Malone", Without a Trace
(Maybe it's just the ugly black suits.)
Best Male Body
Scott Bakula, "Jonathan Archer", Enterprise
(Pushing 50 and he's still hot.)
Worst TV Mom
"Marie Barone", Doris Roberts, Everybody Loves Raymond
(Takes "suffocating mother" and "meddling
mother-in-law" to a whole new level.)
Best TV Mom
"Bonnie Kelly", Bonnie Hunt, The Bonnie Hunt Show
(A nice blend of sarcasm, humor and caring.)
Worst TV Dad
"Jack Pryor", Tom Verica, American Dreams (Racist,
rude and controlling. The parent from hell.)
Best TV Dad
"Hal Wilkerson", Bryan Cranston, Malcolm in the Middle
(It would be interesting to have a father that's such a flake.)
Worst TV Kid
"Patty Pryor", Sarah Ramos, American Dreams
(There's nothing appealing about this bratty little snot.)
Best TV Kid
"Lane Kim", Keiko Agena, Gilmore Girls (It's been
very interesting to watch this "good girl" striving for
some freedom from her overly strict, off-the-wall mother.)
Least Likable Characters on a Show (Tie)
Flo Pesenti, Amazing Race 3 and Jenna Morasca, Survivor
Amazon (Such obnoxious, spoiled, snotty, whiney, selfish brats
give all women a bad name.)
Most Likable Character on a Show
"Adrian Monk", Tony Shalhoub, Monk (His
multi-phobic genius is very endearing.)
Worst Drama
Third Watch (I don't understand how people can watch this
garbage.)
Best Drama
CSI
Worst Sitcom
Less Than Perfect (And it is, indeed less than perfect - way
less.)
Best Sitcom
Bernie Mac
Worst SciFi
Veritas: The Quest (Clichéd, silly and annoying.)
Best SciFi
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (How refreshing that the series'
finale didn't venture into the realm of stupid and kill everyone
off.)
Worst Animated Series
Futurama
Best Animated Series
The Simpsons
Worst Commercial
Clairol Herbal Essences (Enough with the weirdos that get
their rocks off by putting shampoo on their heads. These women need
extensive therapy. Or perhaps a man that knows what he's doing.)
Best Commercial
IKEA - "Abandoned Lamp" (Best - and most effective -
commercial I've seen in years.)
Most Overrated Series
Friends (Winner for the fourth year in a row. I'm most
dismayed that it'll be back again next year.)
Most Overlooked Series
John Doe (This refreshing and witty show deserved so much
more than the ratings gave it.)
Worst Writing
My Big Fat Greek Life (Clichéd, stupid and not a bit amusing
- a colossal disappointment.)
Best Writing
CSI
Worst Miniseries
Hitler: The Rise of Evil
Best Miniseries
There weren't any. (Is the miniseries dead?)
Worst News Magazine
Dateline (They should call it what it is: tabloid
television.)
Best News Magazine
60 Minutes (35 years strong and it's still the only news
magazine that actually reports news - not fluff and sensationalism.)
Worst Reality Show Series
Bachelorettes in Alaska (A very difficult choice in the
plethora of truly tasteless reality fare offered this season. So
what's next in the "I Wanna Humiliate Myself on National
TV" genre? How about Desperate Women Mud Wrestle for Men
or Ugly Men Strip for Hot Women or why not simply I'm a
Born Loser and Need to Get Laid?)
Best Reality Show Series
Joe Millionaire (It was quite amusing to watch all the
gold-diggers do whatever they could in order to snag a [not] rich,
cute guy.)
Worst Reality Game
I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here! (More like I'm a
Whiney, Obscure Pseudo-Celebrity Desperately Craving National
Television Exposure! Ick, poo.)
Best Reality Game
The Amazing Race 3 (I'm puzzled by its relatively poor
ratings. This is the only reality game where real people's
true personalities emerge while they undertake interesting and
imaginative tasks. Makes Survivor look downright silly in
comparison.)
Worst Reality Special
Man vs. Beast (This offering from the Poor Taste Network
[Fox], was humiliating to both man and beast - not to mention
viewers who actually thought it would be worth watching.)
Best Reality Special
Living with Michael Jackson (A delightful freak show,
featuring a less-than-delightful - and very creepy - freakazoid
has-been.)
Worst Game Show
Dog Eat Dog (Considering the women are always dressed in
string bikinis and the men in ugly and baggy extra-long swim trunks,
this is little more than a T&A jiggle show for men. A shame,
since some of the tasks are refreshingly original.)
Best Game Show
Jeopardy
Worst Timeslot for a Good Show
The Practice - Monday, 9 pm. (You don't put an aging show
against a megahit like Everybody Loves Raymond. Morons.)
Best Timeslot for a Bad Show
Friends - Thursday, 8 pm. (Go 'way. Shoo.)
Worst Theme Music
Entertainment Tonight (Though I've never liked ET's
theme, it's only recently that it's truly begun to grate. It is high
time to update this grocery store Muzak.)
Best Theme Music
Law & Order
Worst Newcomer (that hasn't been cancelled)
Hack (I can't believe this piece of crap was renewed. An
embarrassment to David Morse's proven acting abilities and a
complete waste of George Dzundza's talent.).
Best Newcomer (that hasn't been cancelled)
Without a Trace (The first show ever to give ER cause
for concern.)
Biggest Decline in Quality
ER (Silly story lines [monkey pox comes to mind], sillier
dialogue, dull character studies...ER is starting to resemble
a really lame daytime soap opera.)
Most Improved in Quality
Law & Order: CI (Vincent D'Onofrio's creepy and weird
character ["Robert Goren"] has been toned down and
storylines are a little less surreal. The subtle - yet important -
changes have transformed a very good show into a great show.)
Worst Network
ABC (ABC takes the crown from NBC. ABC seems to be trying to emulate
Fox in its increasingly-stupid reality shows. They should stop
that...they don't do it nearly as well.)
Best Network
CBS (Though I'm loath to award one of the dreaded Big Three networks
a "best", CBS [grudgingly] deserves it. Giving ER a
run for its money with Without a Trace, and producing hits
like CSI and Survivor, CBS emerged as the top-watched
network overall.)
Biggest Stinker of the Season
The Pitts (The name says it all.)
Trend of the Year
Australians playing Americans (Poppy Montgomery, Anthony LaPaglia [Without
a Trace]; Dominic Purcell [John Doe]; Simon Baker [The
Guardian] to name a few.)
Least Magical Moments
Survivor Thailand's and Survivor Amazon's finales.
(I've watched all the Survivors to date, but I'm not sure I
will watch Survivor Panama. I don't think I could stand to
see another vile human being made a millionaire.)
Most Magical Moment
Geraldo Rivera being yanked out of Iraq (This fool has always been
an embarrassment to the news profession. He finally got his
comeuppance when the Pentagon insisted he leave Iraq after he
idiotically drew his exact position in the sand while embedded with
the 101st Airborne. He claims it was "inadvertent" and he
"voluntarily" left Iraq, then made bizarre allegations of
a "Get Geraldo" campaign as the cause of his ousting. What
an idiot.)
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