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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

The 2003-2004 Fifth Annual TV BiteMes

by Neena Louise

Worst Actress
Poppy Montgomery, "Samantha Spade", Without a Trace (She's become an even worse actress than last season with all her over-emoting and lip-quivering poutiness. Ick, poo!)

Best Actress
Kathryn Erbe, "Alexandra Eames", Law & Order: CI (I didn't realize was a good job she was doing until she was off on maternity leave and was replaced with a total doorknob [Samantha Buck].)

Most Overrated Female
Kelly Ripa, "Faith Fairfield", Hope & Faith (To be fair, Ripa is a talented actress, but I don't see what's so marvelous about her portrayal of this one-note character.)

Most Overlooked Female
Marianne Jean-Baptiste, "Vivian Johnson", Without a Trace (It's a shame such an accomplished actress has her character pushed back in favor of Little Miss Pouty Lips [Poppy Montgomery]. She deserves better.)

Worst Actor
David Caruso, "Horatio Caine", CSI: Miami (He needs acting lessons. Like Poppy Montgomery, he's getting worse as times goes on.)

Best Actor
James Caan, "Edward Melvin 'Big Ed' Deline", Las Vegas (How refreshing to see a solidly established actor doing television. And doing a fine job, at that.)

Most Overrated Male
Matt LeBlanc, "Joey Tribbiani", Friends (Why he's getting his own show is beyond me.)

Most Overlooked Male
Victor Raider-Wexler, "Mr. Kaplan", King of Queens (Though he only had a couple of guest appearances, he never failed to steal the show. Perhaps he's the answer to saving this quickly-aging sitcom.)

Worst-Dressed Female
Diana DeGarmo, American Idol (Ok, she's just a kid, but I suspect she is unaware of her body type since she always dressed to accentuate her worst features. She'd make a good candidate for the show What Not to Wear.)

Best-Dressed Female
"Faith Fairfield", Kelly Ripa, Hope & Faith (Sometimes wacky, sometimes the ultimate in cool, but always interesting.)

Worst-Dressed Male
Simon Cowell, American Idol (With his old man high-waisted pants and too-tight tees, he should take his own advice and employ a stylist.)

Best-Dressed Male
The entire male cast of The O.C. (It's the most interesting thing about the show.)

Worst TV Mom
"Marie Barone", Doris Roberts, Everybody Loves Raymond (The mother from hell.)

Best TV Mom
"Lucille Bluth", Jessica Walter, Arrested Development (A hilariously selfish, uncaring whack-job-of-a-mother)

Worst TV Dad
"Max Cavanaugh", Ken Howard, Crossing Jordan (Surly and indifferent with a really annoying fake accent. No wonder the character is now gone.)

Best TV Dad
"Raymond Barone", Ray Romano, Everybody Loves Raymond (Clueless, but caring. Like so many fathers.)

Worst TV Kid
"Jordan Thomkins", Jeremy Suarez, Bernie Mac (The kind of kid you just can't help wanting to smack.)

Best TV Kid
"George Michael Bluth", Michael Cera, Arrested Development (An excellent depiction of an awkward, geeky teen without being a caricature of an awkward, geeky teen.)

Least Likable Character on a Show
"Sara Sidle", Jorja Fox, CSI (I can't find anything likable - or even unlikable for that matter - about this boring character.)

Most Likable Character on a Show
Donald Trump, The Apprentice (Ok, so he's a real person and not a fictional character, but he was just so surprisingly appealing. Unlike some of the participants.)

Worst Drama
Navy NCIS (An embarrassment to the cast's proven acting talents.)

Best Drama
Law & Order (The only series - new or old - that had consistent quality. Let's all pause now to lament the departure of Jerry Orbach.)

Worst Sitcom
Whoopi (The only good thing about this horror was Omid Djalili's performance - in spite of the dreadful material. Perhaps he should get his own sitcom.)

Best Sitcoms (Tie)
Two and Half Men and Arrested Development (How refreshing: funny sitcoms!)

Worst SciFi
Tru Calling (An interesting "I help dead people" premise that, for some reason, was just not engaging.)

Best SciFi
Enterprise (Although the season was a bore with its single story line, it ended with a bang.)

Worst Animated Series
King of the Hill

Best Animated Series
The Simpsons

Worst Commercial
Clairol Herbal Essences (I've come to despise the demented moaning women getting their rocks off by shampooing so much that I have to turn the channel. Kinda defeats the purpose, don't you think?)

Best Commercial
Pepsi (Though I only saw it two or three times - leading me to suspect the militant animal rights groups have been at it again - the commercial of the dog stealing a man's lunch, then putting the cat in front of the empty plate to take the blame was hilarious.)

Most Overrated Series
The O.C. (It's not a bad show - it's just not worthy of all the accolades it gets.)

Most Overlooked Series
Arrested Development (I'm puzzled by its poor ratings. Is it, perhaps, that the humor is far too sophisticated for viewers that have been zoned out for too long on garbage like Friends?)

Worst Writing
Navy NCIS (Pretty sad when it even made fun of itself as a CSI wannabe.)

Best Writing
Two and Half Men (Has the most outwardly funny lines of any sitcom)

Worst Commentator/Narrator
David Richards, The Simple Life (I guess he was supposed to be "hick-like", but he came off sounding like a cartoon character. Perhaps that was the idea.)

Best Commentator/Narrator
Will Lyman, Frontline

Worst Newscaster/Reporter
Paula Zahn, CNN (Why she is still at CNN is a mystery. She's a bimbo, pure and simple, and she belongs on a tabloid show, not CNN.)

Best Newscaster/Reporter
Ed Bradley, 60 Minutes

Worst News Magazine
Dateline (Takes the prize again. If they'd just stop with the over-dramatics and blah-blah and get to the meat of the thing, I might actually watch this more often.)

Best News Magazine
60 Minutes

Worst Reality Show Series
The Restaurant (Annoying and unlikable chef Rocco's unrelenting arguments with his annoying and unlikable financier made this totally annoying and unlikable.)

Best Reality Show Series

Worst Reality Game
The Swan (The show that encourages women to believe they are not good enough the way they are. Perhaps the worst series of the decade.)

Best Reality Game
The Amazing Race (Saved from the chopping block by its Emmy win. Here's hoping people will watch this engaging and "most real" reality series for a change.)

Worst Reality Villain
Jon "Johnny Fairplay" Dalton, Survivor: Pearl Islands (He was such an dork - and completely oblivious to his embarrassing dorkiness - that he was pathetically amusing in his lame and desperate attempts at being a villain.)

Best Reality Villain
Omorosa Manigault-Stallworth, The Apprentice (What a piece of work! She's not even someone you loved to hate...you just hated her. Delusional, snobby, backstabbing and lazy. Good luck getting a job, toots!)

Worst Game Show
The Price is Right (When I tuned into this show after not watching it for some time, I was appalled that I actually used to like it. Host Bob Barker is a vaguely-creepy dufus and the contestants remind me of attendees at a revival meeting. The horror.)

Best Game Show

Worst Timeslot for a Good Show
The Wonderful World of Disney, Saturday, 8 p.m. (This is just wrong! Saturday is the day shows go to die, so why this was moved is beyond me. I'm glad I live in an area that receives Canadian signals - CBC has wisely left Disney on Sundays where it's been for...well, forever.)

Best Timeslot for a Bad Show
Friends, Thursday, 8 p.m. (At least it won't be there anymore. Thank goodness.)

Worst Theme Music
Cold Case (Irritating and inappropriate. Find something better.)

Best Theme Music
Law & Order

Worst Newcomer (that hasn't been canceled)
Navy NCIS (There's nothing appealing in this poorly-written, badly-acted CSI wannabe.)

Best Newcomer (that hasn't been canceled)
Arrested Development (Thank you, Fox, for renewing this in spite of its low ratings. Watch it, people!)

Biggest Decline in Quality
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter (It's simply nothing without John Ritter).

Most Improved in Quality
Las Vegas (It's very unusual for a show to actually improve as its maiden season progressed - especially one that had a rather shaky start. Let's hope it doesn't deteriorate.)

Worst Network
ABC (What the hell are they doing over there? Trying to kill their own network?)

Best Network
CBS (With its run of hit shows, it's still giving NBC a good run for its money.)

Biggest Stinker of the Season
Coupling (Touted as "the new Friends", it was even anything but and lasted a mere 3 episodes. Proof that not all British hits can be Americanized. I predict the American version of the outstanding British show The Office will be similarly dreadful.)

Trend of the Year
Makeover shows (Enough already! I guess people enjoy being brainwashed into believing their face/body/house/life just isn't good enough. Good enough for what, I don't know.)

Least Magical Moment
Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich's engagement on Survivor: All-Stars' finale (ICK, POO! I guess they're made for each other since they both seem to be rude, obnoxious and self-absorbed, but this nauseating display prompted me to turn the channel before it made me puke.)

Most Magical Moment
Friends finale (Not because it was good, but because it's now OVER! I've never understood the appeal of this show with its whiney, spoiled, pathetic characters and stupid story lines. Maybe we'll get something worth watching in its place.)
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