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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

The 2004-2005 Sixth Annual TV BiteMes

by Neena Louise

Worst Actress
Patricia Arquette, "Allison Dubois", Medium (I really don't understand the popularity of Medium. Though it has an interesting premise, Arquette's dreadful acting renders it unwatchable.)

Best Actress
Teri Hatcher, "Susan Mayer", Desperate Housewives (Her portrayal of a somewhat flaky and flawed single mother is very refreshing.)

Most Overrated Female
Patricia Arquette, "Allison Dubois", Medium (See above.)

Most Overlooked Female
Linda Park, "Hoshi Sato", Enterprise (Her versatility became apparent when she played an evil power-hungry temptress in direct contrast to her regular character of an insecure linguist.)

Worst Actor
Ron Eldard, "Jim Dunbar", Blind Justice (With his stilted, loud and unaffected delivery, Eldard couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. It might've been a decent show without him.)

Best Actor
Hugh Laurie, "Gregory House", House (His portrayal of a sarcastic, curmudgeonly doctor is spot-on.)

Most Overrated Male
Matthew Fox, "Jack Shepard", Lost (Perhaps it is his one-note "Mr. Intense" character, or that he's the resident hot stud and I'm expected to drool over him. Whatever it is, his performance in Lost is neither engaging nor impressive.)

Most Overlooked Male
Wallace Langham, "David Hodges", CSI (Plays an obnoxious, brown-nosing lab tech that you somehow just can't despise, no matter how much you want to.)

Worst-Dressed Female
"Gina Tribbiani", Drea de Matteo, Joey (The skanky slut look is so over. It is especially ridiculous - and kind of sad - on a thirty-something.)

Best-Dressed Female
The entire cast of Desperate Housewives (From frumpy to sultry, they are always dressed perfectly for whatever the situation.)

Worst-Dressed Male
The entire male cast of Lost (Not because they're badly dressed, but because they look way too clean, pressed and well-coiffed to be survivors struggling on a deserted island. It's very distracting. Dirty 'em up already!)

Best-Dressed Male
"Denny Crane", William Shatner, Boston Legal (Though older and puffier, he still looks damn good in those suits.)

Worst TV Mom
"Bree Van De Kamp", Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives (Cold, clueless and not the least bit sympathetic.)

Best TV Mom
"Evelyn Harper", Holland Taylor, Two and Half Men (Taylor does a fine job as an unapologetic mother that knows her adult kids don't like her much, yet doesn't care.)

Worst TV Dad
"Paul Young", Mark Moses, Desperate Housewives (Creepy.)

Best TV Dad
"Ray Barone", Ray Romano, Everybody Loves Raymond (He could be just about anyone's husband and father.)

Worst TV Kid
"Dewey", Erik Per Sullivan, Malcolm in the Middle (He becomes more and more unlikeably obnoxious as the seasons pass, while the others become more and more appealing.)

Best TV Kid
"Jake Harper", Angus T. Jones, Two and Half Men (This honest portrayal of a typical kid is very refreshing.)

Least Likable Character on a Show
"Jordan Cavanaugh", Jill Hennessy, Crossing Jordan (I cared less and less about her character every episode. Intriguing that Crossing Jordan improved over last season.)

Most Likable Character on a Show
Robert David Hall, "Al Robbins", CSI (Hall's character is finally getting more airtime. Still need more, though.)

Worst Drama
Law & Order: Trial by Jury (This snorefest - the 4th in the L&O franchise - answers the question of how many clones it takes before the genetic line peters out. CSI, you are warned.)

Best Drama
CSI (But, please stop cloning it. The clones - CSI: Miami and CSI: NY - are becoming tiresome to the detriment of the still-fresh original.)

Worst Sitcom
Jake in Progress (Stud Muffin does not a show make. A complete waste of the cast's proven talents.)

Best Sitcoms (Tie)
Everybody Loves Raymond and Two and a Half Men (Tied for a second year in a row. Raymond was still funny after 9 seasons; Two and a Half Men, with its caricatured leads, shouldn't have continued to be funny, but was.)

Worst SciFi
Point Pleasant (Trying to capitalize on The O.C.'s and Medium's success by unsuccessfully combining them, this piece of pseudo-metaphysical crap sorely lacked...everything.)

Best SciFi
Lost (Not strictly science fiction, but choices in this category are dwindling fast. The end of an era?)

Worst Animated Series
Father of the Pride (Great animation, but nothing else.)

Best Animated Series
The Simpsons

Worst Commercial
All those prescription drug commercials (It's not bad enough with their super-fast disclaimer spiel, but half the time it says "ask your doctor" without telling you what the drug is supposed to treat, leaving you to wonder what it is you're supposed to ask your doctor.)

Best Commercial
Priceline.com (These continue to be amusing with William Shatner poking fun at himself - especially the one that had Leonard Nimoy making an appearance with squeak toy in hand.)

Most Overrated Series
Desperate Housewives (Though it's a good show, it doesn't deserve the almost-religious fervor it's generated.)

Most Overlooked Series
Arrested Development (Despite being a critical darling - which usually means "awful" - the critics are actually right in this case. Fox shockingly renewed it, despite its terrible ratings, so watch it already!)

Worst Writing
American Idol (Who writes host Ryan Seacrest's supremely cheesy, stupid lines? Horrible...just horrible.)

Best Writing
House (Though not a comedy, it has some of the funniest lines on television.)

Worst Commentator/Narrator
Larry Hagman, Sheer Dallas (With his high-pitched and phoney-sounding Texan accent, Hagman does one of the worst voice-overs ever.)

Best Commentator/Narrator
Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race (Informative without being overly-dramatic.)

Worst Newscaster/Reporter
Dan Rather , CBS, CBS Evening News (Embarrassed by a completely false story about President Bush, he fled with his tail between his legs. Coward.)

Best Newscaster/Reporter
Aaron Brown, CNN, Newsnight with Aaron Brown (Brown has the unique ability to be dramatic without giving rise to a bout of eye-rolling.)

Worst News Magazine
Dateline (Will Stone Phillips ever look directly into the camera? Perhaps he is ashamed. As he should be.)

Best News Magazine
60 Minutes

Worst Reality Show Series
The Swan (The most offensive reality show - any show, actually - this season.)

Best Reality Show Series
Airline (I find it very entertaining to watch passengers - often drunk - throwing hissy fits over situations of their own making. The people at Southwest deserve a medal for their patience.)

Worst Reality Game
The Contender (Unless you really like boxing, this was a total yawn.)

Best Reality Game
The Amazing Race 7 (But don't ever cast monsters like Rob and Amber again. M'kay? Which brings me to....)

...Worst Reality Villains
Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich, The Amazing Race 7 ("Villains" is too grand a word for these unapologetically vile human beings, who besmirched the very spirit of The Amazing Race. Let's hope these morally bankrupt, profoundly stupid, greedy opportunists don't breed.)

Best Reality Villain
Chris Shelton, The Apprentice 3 (With his out-of-nowhere, over-the-top tirades and the crying jag when he was fired, Shelton was entertaining - almost comical - to watch.)

Worst Game Show
The Price is Right Primetime (Keep it for daytime. Primetime is supposed to be for more intelligent fare. "Supposed" being the key word here...)

Best Game Show

Worst Timeslot for a Good Show
Scrubs, NBC, Thursday at 9:30...no, Tuesday at 9:30...no, Tuesday at 9:00 (For heaven's sake, find a timeslot already! This show deserves so much more than being slated opposite hit shows.)

Best Timeslot for a Bad Show
Joey, NBC, Thursday, 8:00 pm (The old Friends curse is still alive and well.)

Worst Theme Music
Boston Legal (I can only describe this grating theme as "hillbilly hip-hop".)

Best Theme Music
Law & Order

Worst Newcomer (that hasn't been canceled)
Rodney (I'm stunned at the renewal of this unfunny snorefest. Hey, ABC, if you want to get to the top and stay there, garbage like this isn't going to do it for you.)

Best Newcomer (that hasn't been canceled)
House (This unusual medical drama gives a fresh spin on a stale premise.)

Biggest Decline in Quality
ER (The same thought ran through my head at the end of every episode of ER this season: "WhatEVER". Being trounced in the ratings by Without a Trace says it all. This dinosaur needs to be buried.)

Most Improved in Quality
20/20 (This is so much better without Baba Wawa. Better stories, less overly-dramatic fluff, less partisan...almost like a new series.)

Worst Network
NBC (Oh, how the mighty have fallen.)

Best Network
CBS (With its run of hit shows, CBS smothered its competition and ended the season on top.)

Biggest Stinker of the Season
Committed (Not even a little bit funny. And what was up with Tom Poston playing a clown that lives in a closet?!?)

Trend of the Year
"Family fixes" of the two-hankie variety (ie: Wife Swap, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Renovate My Family, Nanny 911, Trading Spouses, Supernanny, etc, etc. Enough already.)

Least Magical Moment
The "surprise" ending of the Without a Trace episode in which "Jack Malone" (Anthony LaPaglia) discovers the missing man he's trying to find is...himself, 25 years in the future! And, gosh, it was all just a dream (like we didn't see this coming a million miles away with the distractingly bad ageing makeup and stupid story line). I know it was Sweeps, but Without a Trace doesn't need gimmicky crap like this to get ratings. Go back to finding missing people and leave the insipid personal struggles in the soaps where they belong.

Most Magical Moment
The end credits for the episode of Cold Case that had Barry Bostwick playing a psychotic killer, with the movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show (in which Bostwick played a geek - thirty years ago!) as a backdrop. The rest of the episode was pretty good, too. 
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