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TV Bites With
Neena Louise |
The 2001-2002
Third Annual TV BiteMes
by Neena
Louise
Worst Actress
Kim Delaney, "Kathleen Maguire", Philly (That "oh
woe is me" sigh she punctuates every single line with is extremely
irritating. Maybe she needs her breathing checked.)
Best Actress
Jane Clayson, The Early Show (For actually looking sad that
Bryant Gumbel was leaving.)
Most Overrated Female
Jennifer Garner, "Sydney Bristow", Alias (Could someone
please explain the big deal, here?)
Most Overlooked Female
Lisa Hendrix, "Elizabeth Rodgers", Law & Order
(Plays this role as medical examiner to perfection. She deserves more
airtime.)
Worst Actor
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, "George Amberson", The Magnificent
Ambersons (The guy just can't act. This snorefest might have been
watchable if Rhys-Meyers could act his way out of a paper bag -
especially considering the rest of the cast was so outstanding.)
Best Actor
Bernie Mac, Bernie Mac
Most Overrated Male
Dylan McDermott, "Bobby Donnell", The Practice (I don't
find him especially good-looking and fail to understand the
"hunk" label he's acquired. To make matters worse, he's only
an average actor, and both his character and show have become stupid.)
Most Overlooked Male
Kaj-Erik Eriksen, "Jeremy Peters", Boston Public (This
23-year-old is completely believable as a screwed-up high-schooler. His
acting ability warrants so much more than this tiny role has to offer.)
Worst Drama
Third Watch (This "drama" has such caricatured
characters that it might as well be a cartoon.)
Best Drama
C.S.I.
Worst Sitcom
Yes, Dear (There is no explanation for this banality's success.)
Best Sitcom
Scrubs (A refreshing spin on an old premise.)
Worst SciFi
Dark Angel (I can't believe people watch this crap.)
Best SciFi
Enterprise (Interesting that Trekkies hate this Star Trek
incarnation, yet non-Trekkies love it.)
Worst Animated Series
The Family Guy
Best Animated Series
The Simpsons
Worst Performance in a Series
Vincent D'Onofrio, "Robert Goren", Law & Order:
Criminal Intent (His increasingly over-the-top performance is
dancing precariously close to the edge of laughable.)
Best Performance in a Series
Paige Davis, Trading Spaces (Though she's a tad too perky, she
can be an amusingly sarcastic taskmaster. Plus she doesn't do the
annoying "I wish I was a model" voguing that the former host
did.)
Most Overrated Series
Friends (I simply don't get it - what's the appeal in this
stupid, stupid show?)
Most Overlooked Series
Dead Last
Worst Writing
The Guardian (This would be a much better series if there was
just one small shred of interesting dialogue.)
Best Writing
C.S.I.
Worst TV Mom
"Meredith Peters", Kathy Baker, Boston Public (Creepy
and evil.)
Best TV Mom
"Lorelai Gilmore", Lauren Graham, Gilmore Girls (Don't
you just wish you had a mom like this when you were a teenager?)
Worst TV Kid
"Rachel Green", Hallee Hirsh, ER (Takes "angry,
bratty, boozing teen" to a whole new level. I wish TV would stop
stereotyping teenagers like this.)
Best TV Kid
"Malcolm Wilkerson", Frankie Muniz, Malcolm in the Middle
(He's no angel and he's no monster. He's a typical kid - a truly rare
sight on television these days.)
Worst TV Dad
"Jim", Jim Belushi, According to Jim (Talk about
perpetuating a negative, stereotypical image of men!)
Best TV Dad
Ozzie Osbourne, The Osbournes (I don't know what's so
"controversial" here...sure, they're not exactly a typical
family, but they're obviously a close and loving family. That's more
than one can say about most "typical" families.)
Worst Dressed Female
Oprah Winfrey (Winner of this category for the third year in a row. Her
style of dress seems to get frumpier and frumpier as the years go on.)
Best Dressed Female
Lisa Ling, The View (Always dresses well - fresh and fun.)
Worst Dressed Male
Will Steger, The Amazing Race 2 (What was up with that ugly
knitted hat, stretchy polyester and nerdy velour? Considering he's not
very good-looking and always appeared unkempt, unshaven and dirty - with
a personality to match - a better style of dress may have made him
appear less repulsive.)
Best Dressed Male
Jesse L. Martin, "Ed Green", Law & Order
Worst Female Body
Calista Flockhart, "Ally McBeal", Ally McBeal (I'd love
to stuff a big, greasy cheeseburger down this skeleton's throat - at
least then she would have eaten once this year. Thank goodness
she won't be haunting the airwaves any longer...)
Best Female Body
Kelly Osbourne, The Osbournes (Finally. A young woman - a teenager
no less - seemingly completely at ease with her totally fine body-type.)
Worst Male Body
Elmo, Sesame Street (That beer belly, dangling limbs and lack of
muscle tone is representative of what happens when you sit around and
eat junk food. And he's orange.)
Best Male Body
Scott Patterson, "Luke Danes", Gilmore Girls (Too bad
we don't get to see more of it.)
Worst Miniseries
Stephen King's Rose Red (Stupid, overlong, full of unintentional
laughs and not a bit scary. Proof positive that the once-talented horror
writer Stephen King has deteriorated into a third-rate hack.)
Best Miniseries
Living with the Dead (Though this supposedly true story about the
self-proclaimed psychic James van der Praagh was very silly, with so
little to choose from this season, this miniseries was the best. How
sad.)
Worst Prime Time News Magazine
Dateline
Best Prime Time News Magazine
There weren't any (All the news magazines were so busy exploiting the
tragic, horrific events of September 11th that they didn't bother to be
good.)
Worst Newscaster/Reporter
Paula Zahn, CNN (Her "oopsies" and "tee-hees" are
such a blight on CNN's morning newscast that I can't bear to watch it.)
Best Newscaster/Reporter
Aaron Brown, CNN (Thank goodness he was on the air on September 11,
providing just the right combination of horror, sadness and
reassurance.)
Worst Reality Show Series
American Fighter Pilot (It might have been a decent series if it
weren't for the rapid cut-aways, copious repetitions, and stupid BIG
CAPTIONS spelling out what the participants had just said. It would have
made a great rock video, but it was disrespectful to our men in uniform
and an insult to viewers' intelligence. No wonder it was canceled after
just 3 episodes.)
Best Reality Show Series
Cops
Worst Reality Game
Love Cruise (And here I thought Temptation Island was the
worst reality game ever...)
Best Reality Game
The Amazing Race 1 and 2 (Totally sucked me in - probably
because the contestants were real people with real lives, real problems
and real personalities. Puts the real back into reality.)
Worst Reality Special
David Blaine's Vertigo (How exciting - watching the annoyingly
monotoned, zero personality Geek of the Year standing still. On par with
his equally-scintillating lying in water and standing in ice. His next
thriller: sleeping in bed. Can't wait.)
Best Reality Special
9/11 (Horrifying, riveting, humanizing and uplifting all at the
same time. Kudos to the filmmakers for not releasing their footage
immediately after September 11th in order to cash in.)
Worst Game Shows (Tie)
The Chair and The Chamber (If I had wanted to watch
torture, I would've watched curling.)
Best Game Show
Jeopardy
Worst Timeslot for a Good Show
The Job, 9:30 p.m., Wednesday (A great show, but being moved
around again and again, then eventually being slotted opposite Titus
and The Amazing Race, then being put on "hiatus", then
moved around some more means The Job doesn't stand a chance.)
Best Timeslot for a Bad Show
Leap of Faith, 8:30 p.m., Thursday (It didn't last and no wonder
- it really, really sucked. Maybe if NBC actually put something good
after Friends instead of counting on its cornerstone show to
instanly create an audience, a series might actually survive this cursed
timeslot.)
Least Likable Character on a Show
"Kerry Weaver", Laura Innes, ER (Not only is she
everything one hates in a doctor, she's everything one hates in a woman
- and a human being for that matter.)
Most Likable Character on a Show
"Greg Sanders", Eric Szmanda, C.S.I. (He's like a
clever but abandoned puppy dog that you want to pat on the head and
reassure. The amount of meanness with which he's treated makes him all
the more likable.)
Worst Theme
Jeopardy (Though it's had the same theme since its inception, I
still can't help but compare it to "I'm a Little Teapot".)
Best Theme
Law and Order (Winner for the third year in a row.)
Worst Opening Sequence
20/20 (What the hell is that? They should've kept the old
opening sequence. This one looks like they're trying to imitate...well, everyone
else.)
Best Opening Sequence
Enterprise (Yes, the song is corny, but you gotta admit the
montage that follows the evolution of travel is pretty cool.)
Worst Commentator/Narrator
Ahmet Zappa, Robotica (Though somewhat improved from last season,
he's still a total dork.)
Best Commentator/Narrator
Will Lyman, Frontline
Most Welcome Death
"Danny Hecht", Edward Atterton, Alias (Refreshing to
see what could have been a major character violently killed off in the
very first episode.)
Least Welcome Death
"Tara McClay", Amber Benson, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
(Not that I'm not glad she was killed off - that sickeningly sweet
lovefest was reason enough. The problem is that her death will now be
milked for many storylines to come until we start wanting to kill her
again. And again.)
Least Valuable Players
Everyone on Survivor Africa and Survivor Marquesas (Did
anyone care at all about any of the contestants? Didn't think
so...)
Most Valuable Player
William Petersen, "Gil Grissom", C.S.I. (There would be
no show without him. Well, there might be, but it wouldn't be worth
watching.)
Least Effective Detective
"Olivia Benson", Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
(If I was a sexual assault victim, the last thing I'd want to see is
this no-neck, holier-than-thou, squinty-eyed creepazoid.)
Most Effective Detective
"Lenny Briscoe", Jerry Orbach, Law & Order
Worst Newcomer
Kristin Kreuk, "Lana Lang", Smallville (Yes, she is
very beautiful, but with all her doe-eyed emoting, I get the distinct
impression she's very aware of it and milks her looks for all
they're worth. How sad.)
Best Newcomer
Bernie Mac, Bernie Mac
Biggest Decline in Quality
Survivor (The producers really should stop seeking out the most
whiney, fake, shallow, and borrrrrring bible-thumping contestants in the
country.)
Most Improved in Quality
Everybody Loves Raymond (A rarity in television - a good sitcom
that has actually improved with age.)
Biggest Stinker of the Season
Thieves (Annoying characters, crass shrieking, silly
plots...horrible, just horrible.)
Worst Network
NBC
Best Network
CNN (They've had the best, most informative, least exploitive coverage
of the War on Terrorism of any network. Whenever that stupid little
bubble head Paula Zahn wasn't on, that is...)
Least Magical Moment
The Bachelor's finale (What kind of desperate LOSER needs a TV
show to find a wife? And what kind of desperate LOSERS jostle for
position in what amounted to a harem - complete with catfights and
irritating gigglefests - in order to become that wife? Truly pathetic.)
Most Magical Moment
When the anger-management-candidate and first-class turd Will Steger and
his shrieking nag of a partner, Tara Lynch, lost - by the skin of their
teeth and on their home turf - The Amazing Race 2. No one's ever
deserved to lose anything as much as they did.
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