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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

The 2001-2002 Third Annual TV BiteMes

by Neena Louise

Worst Actress
Kim Delaney, "Kathleen Maguire", Philly (That "oh woe is me" sigh she punctuates every single line with is extremely irritating. Maybe she needs her breathing checked.)

Best Actress
Jane Clayson, The Early Show (For actually looking sad that Bryant Gumbel was leaving.)

Most Overrated Female
Jennifer Garner, "Sydney Bristow", Alias (Could someone please explain the big deal, here?)

Most Overlooked Female
Lisa Hendrix, "Elizabeth Rodgers", Law & Order (Plays this role as medical examiner to perfection. She deserves more airtime.)

Worst Actor
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, "George Amberson", The Magnificent Ambersons (The guy just can't act. This snorefest might have been watchable if Rhys-Meyers could act his way out of a paper bag - especially considering the rest of the cast was so outstanding.)

Best Actor
Bernie Mac, Bernie Mac

Most Overrated Male
Dylan McDermott, "Bobby Donnell", The Practice (I don't find him especially good-looking and fail to understand the "hunk" label he's acquired. To make matters worse, he's only an average actor, and both his character and show have become stupid.)

Most Overlooked Male
Kaj-Erik Eriksen, "Jeremy Peters", Boston Public (This 23-year-old is completely believable as a screwed-up high-schooler. His acting ability warrants so much more than this tiny role has to offer.)

Worst Drama
Third Watch (This "drama" has such caricatured characters that it might as well be a cartoon.)

Best Drama

Worst Sitcom
Yes, Dear (There is no explanation for this banality's success.)

Best Sitcom
Scrubs (A refreshing spin on an old premise.)

Worst SciFi
Dark Angel (I can't believe people watch this crap.)

Best SciFi
Enterprise (Interesting that Trekkies hate this Star Trek incarnation, yet non-Trekkies love it.)

Worst Animated Series
The Family Guy

Best Animated Series
The Simpsons

Worst Performance in a Series
Vincent D'Onofrio, "Robert Goren", Law & Order: Criminal Intent (His increasingly over-the-top performance is dancing precariously close to the edge of laughable.)

Best Performance in a Series
Paige Davis, Trading Spaces (Though she's a tad too perky, she can be an amusingly sarcastic taskmaster. Plus she doesn't do the annoying "I wish I was a model" voguing that the former host did.)

Most Overrated Series
Friends (I simply don't get it - what's the appeal in this stupid, stupid show?)

Most Overlooked Series
Dead Last

Worst Writing
The Guardian (This would be a much better series if there was just one small shred of interesting dialogue.)

Best Writing

Worst TV Mom
"Meredith Peters", Kathy Baker, Boston Public (Creepy and evil.)

Best TV Mom
"Lorelai Gilmore", Lauren Graham, Gilmore Girls (Don't you just wish you had a mom like this when you were a teenager?)

Worst TV Kid
"Rachel Green", Hallee Hirsh, ER (Takes "angry, bratty, boozing teen" to a whole new level. I wish TV would stop stereotyping teenagers like this.)

Best TV Kid
"Malcolm Wilkerson", Frankie Muniz, Malcolm in the Middle (He's no angel and he's no monster. He's a typical kid - a truly rare sight on television these days.)

Worst TV Dad
"Jim", Jim Belushi, According to Jim (Talk about perpetuating a negative, stereotypical image of men!)

Best TV Dad
Ozzie Osbourne, The Osbournes (I don't know what's so "controversial" here...sure, they're not exactly a typical family, but they're obviously a close and loving family. That's more than one can say about most "typical" families.)

Worst Dressed Female
Oprah Winfrey (Winner of this category for the third year in a row. Her style of dress seems to get frumpier and frumpier as the years go on.)

Best Dressed Female
Lisa Ling, The View (Always dresses well - fresh and fun.)

Worst Dressed Male
Will Steger, The Amazing Race 2 (What was up with that ugly knitted hat, stretchy polyester and nerdy velour? Considering he's not very good-looking and always appeared unkempt, unshaven and dirty - with a personality to match - a better style of dress may have made him appear less repulsive.)

Best Dressed Male
Jesse L. Martin, "Ed Green", Law & Order

Worst Female Body
Calista Flockhart, "Ally McBeal", Ally McBeal (I'd love to stuff a big, greasy cheeseburger down this skeleton's throat - at least then she would have eaten once this year. Thank goodness she won't be haunting the airwaves any longer...)

Best Female Body
Kelly Osbourne, The Osbournes (Finally. A young woman - a teenager no less - seemingly completely at ease with her totally fine body-type.)

Worst Male Body
Elmo, Sesame Street (That beer belly, dangling limbs and lack of muscle tone is representative of what happens when you sit around and eat junk food. And he's orange.)

Best Male Body
Scott Patterson, "Luke Danes", Gilmore Girls (Too bad we don't get to see more of it.)

Worst Miniseries
Stephen King's Rose Red (Stupid, overlong, full of unintentional laughs and not a bit scary. Proof positive that the once-talented horror writer Stephen King has deteriorated into a third-rate hack.)

Best Miniseries
Living with the Dead (Though this supposedly true story about the self-proclaimed psychic James van der Praagh was very silly, with so little to choose from this season, this miniseries was the best. How sad.)

Worst Prime Time News Magazine

Best Prime Time News Magazine
There weren't any (All the news magazines were so busy exploiting the tragic, horrific events of September 11th that they didn't bother to be good.)

Worst Newscaster/Reporter
Paula Zahn, CNN (Her "oopsies" and "tee-hees" are such a blight on CNN's morning newscast that I can't bear to watch it.)

Best Newscaster/Reporter
Aaron Brown, CNN (Thank goodness he was on the air on September 11, providing just the right combination of horror, sadness and reassurance.)

Worst Reality Show Series
American Fighter Pilot (It might have been a decent series if it weren't for the rapid cut-aways, copious repetitions, and stupid BIG CAPTIONS spelling out what the participants had just said. It would have made a great rock video, but it was disrespectful to our men in uniform and an insult to viewers' intelligence. No wonder it was canceled after just 3 episodes.)

Best Reality Show Series

Worst Reality Game
Love Cruise (And here I thought Temptation Island was the worst reality game ever...)

Best Reality Game
The Amazing Race 1 and 2 (Totally sucked me in - probably because the contestants were real people with real lives, real problems and real personalities. Puts the real back into reality.)

Worst Reality Special
David Blaine's Vertigo (How exciting - watching the annoyingly monotoned, zero personality Geek of the Year standing still. On par with his equally-scintillating lying in water and standing in ice. His next thriller: sleeping in bed. Can't wait.)

Best Reality Special
9/11 (Horrifying, riveting, humanizing and uplifting all at the same time. Kudos to the filmmakers for not releasing their footage immediately after September 11th in order to cash in.)

Worst Game Shows (Tie)
The Chair and The Chamber (If I had wanted to watch torture, I would've watched curling.)

Best Game Show

Worst Timeslot for a Good Show
The Job, 9:30 p.m., Wednesday (A great show, but being moved around again and again, then eventually being slotted opposite Titus and The Amazing Race, then being put on "hiatus", then moved around some more means The Job doesn't stand a chance.)

Best Timeslot for a Bad Show
Leap of Faith, 8:30 p.m., Thursday (It didn't last and no wonder - it really, really sucked. Maybe if NBC actually put something good after Friends instead of counting on its cornerstone show to instanly create an audience, a series might actually survive this cursed timeslot.)

Least Likable Character on a Show
"Kerry Weaver", Laura Innes, ER (Not only is she everything one hates in a doctor, she's everything one hates in a woman - and a human being for that matter.)

Most Likable Character on a Show
"Greg Sanders", Eric Szmanda, C.S.I. (He's like a clever but abandoned puppy dog that you want to pat on the head and reassure. The amount of meanness with which he's treated makes him all the more likable.)

Worst Theme
Jeopardy (Though it's had the same theme since its inception, I still can't help but compare it to "I'm a Little Teapot".)

Best Theme
Law and Order (Winner for the third year in a row.)

Worst Opening Sequence
20/20 (What the hell is that? They should've kept the old opening sequence. This one looks like they're trying to imitate...well, everyone else.)

Best Opening Sequence
Enterprise (Yes, the song is corny, but you gotta admit the montage that follows the evolution of travel is pretty cool.)

Worst Commentator/Narrator
Ahmet Zappa, Robotica (Though somewhat improved from last season, he's still a total dork.)

Best Commentator/Narrator
Will Lyman, Frontline

Most Welcome Death
"Danny Hecht", Edward Atterton, Alias (Refreshing to see what could have been a major character violently killed off in the very first episode.)

Least Welcome Death
"Tara McClay", Amber Benson, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Not that I'm not glad she was killed off - that sickeningly sweet lovefest was reason enough. The problem is that her death will now be milked for many storylines to come until we start wanting to kill her again. And again.)

Least Valuable Players
Everyone on Survivor Africa and Survivor Marquesas (Did anyone care at all about any of the contestants? Didn't think so...)

Most Valuable Player
William Petersen, "Gil Grissom", C.S.I. (There would be no show without him. Well, there might be, but it wouldn't be worth watching.)

Least Effective Detective
"Olivia Benson", Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU (If I was a sexual assault victim, the last thing I'd want to see is this no-neck, holier-than-thou, squinty-eyed creepazoid.)

Most Effective Detective
"Lenny Briscoe", Jerry Orbach, Law & Order

Worst Newcomer
Kristin Kreuk, "Lana Lang", Smallville (Yes, she is very beautiful, but with all her doe-eyed emoting, I get the distinct impression she's very aware of it and milks her looks for all they're worth. How sad.)

Best Newcomer
Bernie Mac, Bernie Mac

Biggest Decline in Quality
Survivor (The producers really should stop seeking out the most whiney, fake, shallow, and borrrrrring bible-thumping contestants in the country.)

Most Improved in Quality
Everybody Loves Raymond (A rarity in television - a good sitcom that has actually improved with age.)

Biggest Stinker of the Season
Thieves (Annoying characters, crass shrieking, silly plots...horrible, just horrible.)

Worst Network

Best Network
CNN (They've had the best, most informative, least exploitive coverage of the War on Terrorism of any network. Whenever that stupid little bubble head Paula Zahn wasn't on, that is...)

Least Magical Moment
The Bachelor's finale (What kind of desperate LOSER needs a TV show to find a wife? And what kind of desperate LOSERS jostle for position in what amounted to a harem - complete with catfights and irritating gigglefests - in order to become that wife? Truly pathetic.)

Most Magical Moment
When the anger-management-candidate and first-class turd Will Steger and his shrieking nag of a partner, Tara Lynch, lost - by the skin of their teeth and on their home turf - The Amazing Race 2. No one's ever deserved to lose anything as much as they did.
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