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TV Bites With
Neena Louise |
Don't Try this at Home
by Neena Louise
One Saturday morning (now that the cartoonfest that used to be Saturday morning
has vanished), I watched a slew of home improvement shows and laughed myself
silly. I don't know exactly what category today's home improvement shows fall
in. Fiction? Humor? Drama? Perhaps Sci-Fi? Because, to be sure, this is NOT real
life.
Having renovated many a house, I have to wonder just how these people manage to
fix everything perfectly (first time around), on time and on budget in 30
minutes or less. This just doesn't happen. Today's home improvement shows are
doing a great disservice to those who, after viewing the spectacular results
achieved by the TV People, decide to undertake a renovation project, only to
find themselves at the mercy of contractors (who always say "two
weeks" when you ask them how long a project - any project - will take, then
always take 10 weeks to even start). Or find themselves unable to locate the
proper materials. Or find that "surprise" problem (and there's always
a surprise or two) that requires starting over. Or have permit problems. Or have
irate neighbors complaining about the noise...the list goes on. Why don't home
improvement shows mention any of these typical renovation problems? They will,
at times, touch on the subject of what can go wrong, but, for the most part, the
renovation looks clean and perfect with highly skilled tradesmen at the ready,
able to fix everything right away at little cost.
Bob Vila is the most ridiculous. I can't stand Vila's monstrous ego and
revolting condescending attitude, but I thought I'd give his show a look and
laughed my head off. Sure, HE can find people that know what they're doing and
do it fast (free national exposure can make any tradesman instantly available,
after all) and they remain informative and polite despite Vila's obnoxious
insults (where was Bob when I had a curse-laden screaming match with an
incompetent roofer?); HE can find people that can handle those
"surprises" with ease and calmness (where was Bob when my contractor
scratched his head at my uneven ceiling? Or left me with no functioning
toilets?); HE can find dry wallers, painters and carpenters that know what
they're doing (where was Bob when my painter painted all the windows shut and
the carpenter put a giant scratch in my brand new flooring?); HE can find those
people - no one else can. And of course, his tradesmen are going to do
the job under budget. Do you seriously think that a tradesman is going to go
over budget on NATIONAL TELEVISION?!?
Over to Hometime and another gigglefest. These people seem to do
everything lickety-split with no mess and absolutely no problems at all. Sure,
they vaguely mention how it's "the next day" when doing whatever
project they're doing, but with the way this show is presented, it always
appears they add a room, build a deck or finish a basement perfectly in 30
minutes or less. Just the two of them. Mwahahahaha!
This Old House comes closest to reality. Not everyone has an old house
they're trying to remodel (which have "special" problems of their
own), but at least some of the more common problems are presented and solutions
are offered (I'll never forget the host's clearly-evident frustration while
trying to get a building permit). Since they often take an entire season for a
single project, the timeline is also a little more realistic. But, with all
those skilled workers just hanging around waiting to do their thing, reality
slips a little. A lot, actually.
Anyone who watches these shows and thinks it's really that simple is a fool.
Home improvement shows are great for ideas, but the only way to truly
know what a renovation project is like is to DO one. They never go "as seen
on TV" - it just doesn't happen like that in real life. I suspect if
renovation virgins knew what it was really like, they'd never attempt it. I'd
like to see a home improvement show that actually shows what a real renovation
project is like - the dust, the disruption, the noise, the rude contractors, the
tradesmen that don't show up or show up on the wrong day, the delivery of wrong
materials, the cost, the constant surprises and the enormous relief when it's
finally finished. I'd call it Renovation: Life in Hell.
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