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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

If I were King of All TV I would:

  1. Ban Sweeps.

  2. Never move a series' timeslot more than once.

  3. Give all new series at least 10 episodes to find an audience.

  4. Ditch all efforts to be politically correct.

  5. Ban Sweeps.

  6. Refuse to cut any commercial for any reason (especially if some moron complains).

  7. Fire/blackball any actress that gets too thin (enough with the skeletons already).

  8. Air something decent on Wednesday nights.

  9. Never, never, NEVER pre-empt anything for any reason other than pro sports.

  10. Air series commercial-free every once in a while.

  11. Ban bugs.

  12. Insist credits run full size.

  13. Ban Sweeps.

  14. Never air bloody and/or exploitive footage on the news.

  15. Create at least 30 (36 would be preferable) episodes of any given series that are at least 24 minutes long per each half hour.

  16. Never allow more than ONE episode of any given prime time news magazine to air each week.

  17. Ban Sweeps.

  18. Start the new TV season in May and end it in February.

  19. Refuse to air any talk show episode with the theme "Terror Teens".

  20. Allow only two newscasts per day - one at 6:00 p.m. and one at 11:00 p.m. (enough of the morning, noon, 5:00 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. newscasts. And just forget news updates altogether).

  21. Ban Sweeps.

  22. Ensure that Saturday morning would consist entirely of un-cut classic cartoons (on every single last channel) until noon.

  23. Forbid bleeping, digitizing or censoring anything for any reason (if it's going to air, it's going to air complete and uncut).

  24. License only one channel to run non-stop ticker-tape stock figures along the bottom of its screen.

  25. Ban all onscreen sales of "the episode you have just seen".

  26. Ban Sweeps.

Does that sound like an unattainable TV utopia? Well, other than #8 and #18, this was what television used to be like. Time to go retro.

All the "in your face" ads:
I've had about as much as I can take of the head-banging alternative music, grunge-type logos and stroboscopic camera tricks. If I were feeling remotely ill when watching these ads, they'd make me throw up. Perhaps that's the idea...

Gross-out slacker ads:
I don't know who thought these supposedly youth-oriented ads up, but I find it hard to believe that anyone - young or old - could find anything terribly appealing in ads which suggest spitting pizza sauce in your friend's face, belching to get free CDs, or a guy who eats microwave macaroni out of his dog's slimey bowl after his girlfriend leaves him.

Considering the zillions of dollars spent on advertising and all the creative talent that's out there, surely somebody somewhere could come up with better material that can a) keep one's attention without slapping one in the face or b) grossing one out.

We would love to know what you think, sound off on the TV message boards and let us know what you think!

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