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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

1st Annual OscarBites

by Neena Louise

Worst Dressed

Nicole Kidman
I don't care what the self-appointed "fashion experts" claim. That gold number looked like it was shredded in the washing machine.

Runner Up:
Tyra Banks
That ridiculous mauve thing looked like a cross between a Disney cartoon and those little dancing girls that pop out of children's jewelry boxes.

Best Dressed

My god! She resembled something human for a change!

Worst Acceptance Speeches

Pedro Almodovar (All About My Mother)
Never mind you couldn't understand a bloody word he said, he babbled on and on, then didn't even have the decency to GET IT when Antonio Banderas tried to pull him off the stage. Totally disrespectful.

Warren Beatty (Thalberg Award)
I turned to the weather channel (yes, the weather channel) while this undeserving goof rambled on.

Best Acceptance Speeches

Kevin Spacey (American Beauty)
What can I say? The guy has class.

Michael Caine (The Cider House Rules)
Spending most of his time acknowledging his co-nominees showed just what a pro he is.

Hilary Swank (Boys Don't Cry)
Poised and to the point (and none of those fake tears like last year's sniveling, rambling embarrassment, Gwyneth Paltrow). Too bad Swank forgot to thank her poor hubby.

Worst song presentation

That stupid medley of songs past
The only redeeming bit was Isaac Hayes - and the poor guy got smoked out by an out-of-control fog machine.

Best song presentation

"Blame Canada"
Robin Williams was a great choice for this song. His duct-taped mouth was the perfect comment on the Academy's threat to bleep some of the lyrics (like we've never heard these words before). I still think "Uncle Fucka" should've been nominated - just for the fun of watching the producers squirm.

Worst acknowledgement

All those STUPID (and, at times, totally tasteless) comments about the very, very pregnant Annette Bening. I mean, who cares??? You'd think she was the only pregnant woman that ever came to the Oscars (Julianne Moore, anyone?).

Best acknowledgement

Billy Crystal pointing out the guy who found the missing Oscars in a dumpster.

Least deserving of an Oscar

Angelina Jolie (Girl, Interrupted)
She looked like a witch. She talked like a witch. She's a witch. ChloŽ Sevingy should've won.

Most deserving of an Oscar (er, Oscars)

American Beauty
Great movie. Stellar cast. It deserved very single Oscar (although, thank god Annette Bening didn't win!).

Worst Presenter (even though she didn't actually present an award)

Winona Ryder
Can you say "vacuous"?

Best Presenter

Jack Nicholson
Even though he was awarding the Thalberg Award to that jerk Warren Beatty, he was the most professional and entertaining presenter of the evening.

Best reaction of a winner

Lindy Hemming (Topsy-Turvy)
She was so excited, she charged right back down the stairs (rather than stage right) after her acceptance speech.

Runner up:
Dan Keplinger (King Gimp)
His exuberant enthusiasm was refreshing. Too bad the group was seated way back in the nose-bleed section. Why was that, anyway? You can't tell me it was because he was in a weelchair, because wheelchair-bound Larry Flynt wasn't seated in the back at last year's ceremony.

Film that should win an Oscar but never will

The short film created especially for the Oscars that documented films' representation of the last 2 million years. The best short I've seen in years.

Biggest Loser

Halle Barry
Though she was supposed to be a presenter, she was a no-show because of her possible involvement in a hit-and-run. If she had anything to do with that, all she has to do is come forward, apologize, pay her fines and the victim's doctor bills and get on with her career. If she had nothing to do with it, why is she hiding? It makes her look guilty and unapologetic.

All in all, this year's Oscar broadcast was actually much better than previous years (although Billy Crystal did tend to overdo the Howard Sternish jokes). Thank god for not having those ridiculous Debbie Allen interpretive production numbers (and how many of us were sure that it would make the broadcast shorter??). Although it was the longest ceremony yet, it was entertaining enough to keep one's interest (most of the time). Why the Oscars ceremony is held on a Sunday is rather baffling, however (though it's better than Monday like it used to be). Wouldn't it be better on a Friday or Saturday - especially considering the length of the broadcast and the multitude of parties afterwards?? Why is it not? It could make at least one Saturday a year less of a TV wasteland.

For those that missed them:

Picture - American Beauty
Director - Sam Mendes, American Beauty
Actor - Kevin Spacey, American Beauty
Actress - Hilary Swank, Boy's Don't Cry
Supporting Actor - Michael Caine, The Cider House Rules
Supporting Actress - Angelina Jolie, Girl, Interrupted
Cinematography - Conrad L. Hall, American Beauty
Editing - The Matrix
Visual Effects - The Matrix
Documentary Feature - One Day in September
Documentary Short Subject - King Gimp
Live Action Short - My Mother Dreams the Satan's Disciples in New York
Animated Short - The Old Man and the Sea
Sound - The Matrix
Sound Effects Editing - The Matrix
Foreign Language Film - All About My Mother (Spain)
Original Screenplay - Alan Ball, American Beauty
Adapted Screenplay - John Irving, The Cider House Rules
Original Score - The Red Violin
Makeup - Topsy-Turvey
Costume Design - Lindy Hemming, Topsy-Turvey
Art Direction - Rick Heinrichs & Peter Young, Sleepy Hollow
Original Song - Phill Collins "You'll Be in My Heart", Tarzan 
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