| 5:00 am |
A Christmas Carol (Festive yarn featuring poverty,
ghosts and disabled children.) |
| 5:30 am |
Osama bin Laden's Yuletide Pig Roast |
| 7:00 am |
Jenny and the Queen of Light (Another depressing
Yuletide production. For the suicidal that need a push.) |
| 8:00 am |
Prancer Returns Last Year's Xmas Sweaters |
| 8:30 am |
From Martha's Kitchen Christmas Special (A program to
show you how useless you are in the kitchen.) |
| 8:31 am |
Home for the Holidays with Martha Stewart (A day in
hell.) |
| 9:00 am |
Jack and the Beanstalk: The Real Story (A
"Holiday-oriented" film featuring thievery, murder,
illegal scientific experiments and exploitation. Filmed in
Kandahar.) |
| 9:30 am |
The Christmas Box o' Chocolates (You never know what
yer gonna get.) |
| 10:00 am |
The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.) |
| 11:00 am |
Barbie in the Nutcracker (A 44-year-old woman with
plastic surgery gone wrong goes porno.) |
| 11:30 am |
A Christmas Story (A heartwarming tale of a boy with a
gun fetish.) |
| 12:00 pm |
The Santa Claus Band of Brothers Marching Together |
| 12:30 pm |
A Town Without Christmas (Christmas Eve in Kabul.) |
| 1:23 pm |
The Christmas Secret (Hint: It concerns a fat, jolly
fellow and his true identity.) |
| 2:00 pm |
Santa Who? Whoooo are You? Who? Who? |
| 2:30 pm |
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (And returned it for
cash after the holidays.) |
| 3:00 pm |
The Years Without a Santa Claus (Featuring solstice
celebrations from 3000 B.C. to 375 A.D.) |
| 4:00 pm |
At Home for the Holidays with Mariah Carey (For those
who think they're having a hard time with
"exhaustion" this year.) |
| 4:01 pm |
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Chronicling the
adventures of an alcoholic reindeer.) |
| 4:30 pm |
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys
(This anti-substance-abuse sequel to the wildly popular Rudolph
the Rednosed Reindeer finds Rudolph waking up with a
hangover on an island filled with stoned, misshapen toys. That
talk.) |
| 5:00 pm |
Miracle Whip on 34th Street (How to make a holiday
sandwich in New York.) |
| 7:00 pm |
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Charming tale of
dysfunction, greed, flying livestock and an overweight man with
delusions of grandeur.) |
| 7:30 pm |
Holiday Inn Your Face |
| 8:00 pm |
Frosty the Snowman (Horror story of a snowman coming to
life. Rated R.) |
| 9:00 pm |
Frosty the Snowman Returns (A tale of reincarnation as
masochistic snowman returns to be remelted.) |
| 10:00 pm |
A Charlie Brown Christmas (A heartwarming tale of
dysfunction, greed and a dog with identity problems.) |
| 11:30 pm |
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (A heartwarming
tale of dysfunction, greed, kidnapping, and a dead cat.) |
