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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings

by Neena Louise

5:00 am A Christmas Carol (Festive yarn featuring poverty, ghosts and disabled children.)
5:30 am Osama bin Laden's Yuletide Pig Roast
7:00 am Jenny and the Queen of Light (Another depressing Yuletide production. For the suicidal that need a push.)
8:00 am Prancer Returns Last Year's Xmas Sweaters
8:30 am From Martha's Kitchen Christmas Special (A program to show you how useless you are in the kitchen.)
8:31 am Home for the Holidays with Martha Stewart (A day in hell.)
9:00 am Jack and the Beanstalk: The Real Story (A "Holiday-oriented" film featuring thievery, murder, illegal scientific experiments and exploitation. Filmed in Kandahar.)
9:30 am The Christmas Box o' Chocolates (You never know what yer gonna get.)
10:00 am The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)
11:00 am Barbie in the Nutcracker (A 44-year-old woman with plastic surgery gone wrong goes porno.)
11:30 am A Christmas Story (A heartwarming tale of a boy with a gun fetish.)
12:00 pm The Santa Claus Band of Brothers Marching Together
12:30 pm A Town Without Christmas (Christmas Eve in Kabul.)
1:23 pm The Christmas Secret (Hint: It concerns a fat, jolly fellow and his true identity.)
2:00 pm Santa Who? Whoooo are You? Who? Who?
2:30 pm How the Grinch Stole Christmas (And returned it for cash after the holidays.)
3:00 pm The Years Without a Santa Claus (Featuring solstice celebrations from 3000 B.C. to 375 A.D.)
4:00 pm At Home for the Holidays with Mariah Carey (For those who think they're having a hard time with "exhaustion" this year.)
4:01 pm Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Chronicling the adventures of an alcoholic reindeer.)
4:30 pm Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys (This anti-substance-abuse sequel to the wildly popular Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer finds Rudolph waking up with a hangover on an island filled with stoned, misshapen toys. That talk.)
5:00 pm Miracle Whip on 34th Street (How to make a holiday sandwich in New York.)
7:00 pm 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Charming tale of dysfunction, greed, flying livestock and an overweight man with delusions of grandeur.)
7:30 pm Holiday Inn Your Face
8:00 pm Frosty the Snowman (Horror story of a snowman coming to life. Rated R.)
9:00 pm Frosty the Snowman Returns (A tale of reincarnation as masochistic snowman returns to be remelted.)
10:00 pm A Charlie Brown Christmas (A heartwarming tale of dysfunction, greed and a dog with identity problems.)
11:30 pm National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (A heartwarming tale of dysfunction, greed, kidnapping, and a dead cat.)

(that have nothing to do with television)

Twisted Christmas Haiku

By Patricia Lynch and Sheila Singhal

He sees when we sleep
And when we awake
Santa is kind of creepy.

The miracle of Christmas
Is fitting my ass
In my pants after turkey

Deck the halls with boughs
Of pretty poison ivy
See the children itch.

Up on the rooftop
Reindeer go - my house
Now stinks and needs a new roof.

When fed to a cat
Poinsettias are poisonous
Here kitty kitty

He knows if we are
bad or good and punishes
Santa's a sadist.

Hope your Christmas is
As explosive as can be
Mr. Bin Laden

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