[Not the] TV Holiday Listings

by Neena Louise
neena@entetainmentnutz.com
OPINION

1:00 a.m.- Election Update
2:00 a.m.- Olive the Shaken (not stirred) Reindeer
3:00 a.m.- 'N Sync's Christmas Cash Grab
4:00 a.m.- How Christmas Isn't Commercialized
4:01 a.m. - Election Update
5:00 a.m.- How Animated Grinch Upstages that [Green Eggs and] Ham Jim Carrey
5:30 a.m.- The Christmas Pandora's Box
6:00 a.m.- Frosty Does the Dairy Queen
8:00 a.m.- Miracle at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
9:00 a.m.- It's a Wonderful Life (at least it was until this movie was aired 10,000 times)
9:30 a.m.- Election Update
10:00 a.m.- A Christmas Story (Charming tale about firearms and disillusionment)
10:30 a.m.- The Nutcracker Suite Ballet to Bore All. (6 hrs)
11:00 a.m.- Election Update
11:30 a.m.- A Christmas Carol Meets a Christmas John
12 noon - Martha Stewart's Impossible-to-Recreate Christmas
1:00 p.m.- Charlie Brown's Christmas (35-year-old child bitches about the holidays. Again.)
2:00 p.m.- Election Update's Christmas Special Bulletin
3:00 p.m.- Holiday at Pops (Mom's burned down)
3:30 p.m.- Miracle on the 34th Parallel
4:00 p.m.- The Story of Santa Claus's Operation (Exploitive tale of a weight-challenged man's tummy tuck)
4:30 p.m.- National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Festive yarn about kidnapping and excess electrical consumption)
5:00 p.m.- The Science of Christmas (Why Santa needs elves)
5:30 p.m.- Election Update's Very Special Christmas Pre-emption (4 hrs.)
6:00 p.m.- One Magic Christmas (Crabby mother makes child run away to the North Pole with ugly angel)
8:00 p.m.- Food Network Stars' Family Traditions ("Food Network Stars"??? What are those?)
8:30 p.m.- The Greatest Christmas Moments of All Time (aka: The Hokiest Schlock, hosted by A Big Bimbo)
9:00 p.m.- Bernard and the Genie (Loser's Christmas is saved by large, loud and messy roommate)
9:30 p.m. - The Painted House Christmas Special (The many festive uses of masking tape)
10:00 p.m.- Home Alone (Hard-to-believe, yet amusing Christmas tale)
11:00 p.m.- Home Alone II (Harder-to-believe, barely amusing Christmas yarn)
12:00 a.m.- Home Alone III (Not funny)