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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings

by Neena Louise


1:00 a.m.- Election Update
2:00 a.m.- Olive the Shaken (not stirred) Reindeer
3:00 a.m.- 'N Sync's Christmas Cash Grab
4:00 a.m.- How Christmas Isn't Commercialized
4:01 a.m. - Election Update
5:00 a.m.- How Animated Grinch Upstages that [Green Eggs and] Ham Jim Carrey
5:30 a.m.- The Christmas Pandora's Box
6:00 a.m.- Frosty Does the Dairy Queen
8:00 a.m.- Miracle at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
9:00 a.m.- It's a Wonderful Life (at least it was until this movie was aired 10,000 times)
9:30 a.m.- Election Update
10:00 a.m.- A Christmas Story (Charming tale about firearms and disillusionment)
10:30 a.m.- The Nutcracker Suite Ballet to Bore All. (6 hrs)
11:00 a.m.- Election Update
11:30 a.m.- A Christmas Carol Meets a Christmas John
12 noon - Martha Stewart's Impossible-to-Recreate Christmas
1:00 p.m.- Charlie Brown's Christmas (35-year-old child bitches about the holidays. Again.)
2:00 p.m.- Election Update's Christmas Special Bulletin
3:00 p.m.- Holiday at Pops (Mom's burned down)
3:30 p.m.- Miracle on the 34th Parallel
4:00 p.m.- The Story of Santa Claus's Operation (Exploitive tale of a weight-challenged man's tummy tuck)
4:30 p.m.- National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Festive yarn about kidnapping and excess electrical consumption)
5:00 p.m.- The Science of Christmas (Why Santa needs elves)
5:30 p.m.- Election Update's Very Special Christmas Pre-emption (4 hrs.)
6:00 p.m.- One Magic Christmas (Crabby mother makes child run away to the North Pole with ugly angel)
8:00 p.m.- Food Network Stars' Family Traditions ("Food Network Stars"??? What are those?)
8:30 p.m.- The Greatest Christmas Moments of All Time (aka: The Hokiest Schlock, hosted by A Big Bimbo)
9:00 p.m.- Bernard and the Genie (Loser's Christmas is saved by large, loud and messy roommate)
9:30 p.m. - The Painted House Christmas Special (The many festive uses of masking tape)
10:00 p.m.- Home Alone (Hard-to-believe, yet amusing Christmas tale)
11:00 p.m.- Home Alone II (Harder-to-believe, barely amusing Christmas yarn)
12:00 a.m.- Home Alone III (Not funny)


(that have nothing to do with television)

Twisted Christmas Haiku

(Courtesy Patricia Lynch, Adam Barratt and Sheila Singhal. Used by permission).

Santa hates reindeer
Nasty dirty smelly stags
Wishes they would bathe.

Santa likes camels
Even if biting and rude
But camels can't fly.

Rudolph no longer alive
Red nose extinguished
On the hood of a brown truck.

Fruitcake as a doorstop is
A misuse of food
Better as a weapon.

Santa on the roof
Vodka running through his veins
Santa on the ground

Santa sees you when
You're sleeping and you're awake
Santa the stalker

Sweatsuits and Wal-Mart
Vinyl boots and Kenny G
White trash shopping spree

Red, pink, white, hybrid
Plants slowly wither and die
Poinsettias revenge

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