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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

CHRISTMAS BONUS BITES
(that have nothing to do with television)

Twisted Christmas Haiku

By Sheila Singhal

Yuletide TV fare
Makes me gag and choke
Cloying shlock is the best word

Shop til you dropkick
The nearest store clerk
Customer service a myth

A blinding snowstorm
Santa still on track
Thank heaven for GPS

Eggnog and fruitcake
And shortbread and wine
A fitness membership please

Shopping Christmas Eve
Really serves you right
Plan better next year, moron.

Man in red velvet
Watching all I do
Get a restraining order

Christmas carollers
Can drive you crazy
Keep boiling oil handy

If Santa's sleigh tips
And nobody hears it fall
Do we still get gifts?

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings

5:30 am Martha Stewart's Christmas Prison Special (Festive cooking for a crowd.)
5:31 am Prancer Returns (To a life of indentured servitude to a fat man in a red suit.)
6:30 am 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Reality special featuring bickering parents, evil toys that need assembling, and a large happy man that eats enough milk and cookies to feed a Third World country. Only on Fox.)
7:30 am It's a Wonderful Life in a Very Merry Muppet Movie
8:00 am Mr. St. Nick, Santa Jr. (And the whole damn Santa Family.)
8:30 am The Santa Clause (Regular Joe gets tricked into losing his livelihood through vague legalese. Also known as "Enron".)
9:00 am The Christmas Shoes ("The hit song that inspired the bestselling book is now a movie". In other words: "Don't bother watching".)
9:04 am Frosty's Winter Wonderland (As opposed to what? Frosty's Miami Beach Vacation?)
10:00 am The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)
11:00 am Barbie in the Nutcracker (Barbie cracks nuts. That bitch.)
11:30 am A Christmas Story (A story to warm your hearts, this nostalgic yarn is about a boy with twisted daydreams, his weird family and his firearm obsession.)
12:00 pm Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (What?)
12:30 pm Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (Just in case you feel Christmas Eve isn't surreal enough.)
1:30 pm Jack Frost (Could eat no fat, his wife...No, wait! Wrong Jack. My mistake.)
2:00 pm Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (Well, I hope so.)
2:30 pm How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Actually, he was just "borrowing" it. Or could it be he was doing "research"? Or was it just a "mistake"? Written by Winona Ryder.)
3:00 pm Frosty the Snowcone (Former talking snowman becomes dessert.)
3:30 pm The Christmas Orange (Instructional video on what NOT to get a kid for Christmas.)
4:00 pm Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Frightening tale of a botched genetic engineering experiment that resulted in a hooved talking animal with a light-up nose. That toots.)
4:30 pm Greatest Christmas Moments of All Time (Extra long commercial of Christmas shows past. Hosted by Tiffani Thiessen, TV star past.)
4:37 pm Miracle Gro on 34th Street (How to grow trees in time for Christmas in New York.)
5:00 pm Christmas Rush (Subtitled "Christmas-Shopper Rage Gone Wild", this heartwarming tale chronicles the actions of an angry shopper who takes other shoppers hostage. Can you relate?)
6:00 pm Alan Jackson: Let it Be Christmas (No. Let it be Easter - shake things up a bit.)
7:00 pm The Year Without a Santa Claus, The Town Santa Forgot, A Town Without Christmas (Trio of stories chronicling the sad case of a fat guy's declining memory.)
8:30 pm Whack that Christmas Orange (Christmas with The Sopranos.)
9:00 pm A Charlie Brown Christmas (Festive yarn featuring mutant animated children that seem to have no parents.)
10:00 pm National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Cautionary documentary chronicling the events that lead to the power shortage.)
11:30 pm Silent Night (Hours of black-screened silence. Also known as December 26th.)
 
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