| 5:30 am |
Stewart and Jackson: Jailhouse Jingle Bells (Martha
Stewart and Michael Jackson check out their future home to measure for
curtains and gilt furniture. Jackson serenades his future
"friends" with holiday love songs while Stewart makes festive
decorations from toothpaste and plastic eating utensils.) |
| 6:00 am |
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Reality series that
has contestants stealing other contestants' Christmas gifts while
avoiding detection. The best thief wins the title of "Grinch",
a dog named Max and all the roast beast he or she can eat.) |
| 6:30 am |
The Town Santa Forgot (Christmas in Baghdad) |
| 7:00 am |
The Santa Closet (The joys of red flannel clothing) |
| 7:01 am |
The Santa Closet 2 (The Fab Five of Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy tosses Santa's red flannel and gives him a
makeover.) |
| 8:00 am |
Prancer Returns (Again. You spray and spray...) |
| 8:30 am |
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (The true
story behind the cause of the Summer 2003 blackout.) |
| 10:00 am |
The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.) |
| 10:30 am |
Jingle All the Way (No thanks - I don't want to
jiggle any way. Oh, it's jingle. Still...) |
| 11:30 am |
A Christmas Story (Heartwarming semi-biographic
yuletide tale featuring ugly lamps, ruined dinners, beatings, swearing
and gun malfunctions. It's a wonder the kid survived to tell the tale.) |
| 12:00 pm |
Olive the Reindeer Pizza |
| 12:30 pm |
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (Mutant
reindeer and talking snow get confused and celebrate the 4th of July
with holly wreaths and egg nog. When Rudolph toots his red nose in
delight, it gets mistaken for a laser gunsight and he is killed by
antiterrorist forces. Frosty melts.) |
| 1:00 pm |
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Before his
ill-advised summer jaunt with Frosty, this tale chronicles Rudolph's
early life as a social outcast. Makes that nose-as-a-laser-gunsight more
plausible, doesn't it?) |
| 1:30 pm |
Jack Frost (Nose-biter goes to anger-management
classes and becomes lovable father.) |
| 2:00 pm |
Holiday Ice Dreams (Making festive ice cubes for
the holidays) |
| 2:30 pm |
Home Alone (Heartwarming tale of a family that
abandons their child at Christmas. Child Protective Services comes under
scrutiny for not removing him from the home.) |
| 3:00 pm |
Miracle Brush on 34th Street (Keeping holiday
clothing free of lint.) |
| 3:30 pm |
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Violent story of
a young father that goes postal while assembling his childrens' toys.
Rated R.) |
| 4:00 pm |
Finding John Christmas (Santa searches for his
long-lost illegitimate son) |
| 4:30 pm |
Santa Jr. (Santa re-names his long-lost
illegitimate son.) |
| 5:00 pm |
A Barry Manilow Christmas (The horror...the
horror...) |
| 5:01 pm |
Harry for the Holidays (I would've preferred
something else for the holidays. Can I return him?) |
| 6:00 pm |
Frosty the Tastee-Freeze |
| 6:30 pm |
Eloise at Christmastime (Precocious 6-year-old
plays cupid at Christmastime. Plays obnoxious brat the rest of the
year.) |
| 7:30 pm |
Stealing Christmas (Instructional video from The
Grinch) |
| 8:00 pm |
One Magic Christmas (Just one? And here I thought
all Christmases were magical.) |
| 10:00 pm |
It's a Wonderful Life (Death, suspected bank fraud,
depression, attempted suicide... Really wonderful life you got there.) |
| 11:00 pm |
Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (So don't light a
fire or lock up your house- you could be very disappointed. Or robbed
blind.) |
| 11:59 pm |
Silent Night (Something you won't have for weeks.) |
