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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2003

by Neena Louise

5:30 am Stewart and Jackson: Jailhouse Jingle Bells (Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson check out their future home to measure for curtains and gilt furniture. Jackson serenades his future "friends" with holiday love songs while Stewart makes festive decorations from toothpaste and plastic eating utensils.)
6:00 am How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Reality series that has contestants stealing other contestants' Christmas gifts while avoiding detection. The best thief wins the title of "Grinch", a dog named Max and all the roast beast he or she can eat.)
6:30 am The Town Santa Forgot (Christmas in Baghdad)
7:00 am The Santa Closet (The joys of red flannel clothing)
7:01 am The Santa Closet 2 (The Fab Five of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy tosses Santa's red flannel and gives him a makeover.)
8:00 am Prancer Returns (Again. You spray and spray...)
8:30 am National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (The true story behind the cause of the Summer 2003 blackout.)
10:00 am The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)
10:30 am Jingle All the Way (No thanks - I don't want to jiggle any way. Oh, it's jingle. Still...)
11:30 am A Christmas Story (Heartwarming semi-biographic yuletide tale featuring ugly lamps, ruined dinners, beatings, swearing and gun malfunctions. It's a wonder the kid survived to tell the tale.)
12:00 pm Olive the Reindeer Pizza
12:30 pm Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (Mutant reindeer and talking snow get confused and celebrate the 4th of July with holly wreaths and egg nog. When Rudolph toots his red nose in delight, it gets mistaken for a laser gunsight and he is killed by antiterrorist forces. Frosty melts.)
1:00 pm Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Before his ill-advised summer jaunt with Frosty, this tale chronicles Rudolph's early life as a social outcast. Makes that nose-as-a-laser-gunsight more plausible, doesn't it?)
1:30 pm Jack Frost (Nose-biter goes to anger-management classes and becomes lovable father.)
2:00 pm Holiday Ice Dreams (Making festive ice cubes for the holidays)
2:30 pm Home Alone (Heartwarming tale of a family that abandons their child at Christmas. Child Protective Services comes under scrutiny for not removing him from the home.)
3:00 pm Miracle Brush on 34th Street (Keeping holiday clothing free of lint.)
3:30 pm 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Violent story of a young father that goes postal while assembling his childrens' toys. Rated R.)
4:00 pm Finding John Christmas (Santa searches for his long-lost illegitimate son)
4:30 pm Santa Jr. (Santa re-names his long-lost illegitimate son.)
5:00 pm A Barry Manilow Christmas (The horror...the horror...)
5:01 pm Harry for the Holidays (I would've preferred something else for the holidays. Can I return him?)
6:00 pm Frosty the Tastee-Freeze
6:30 pm Eloise at Christmastime (Precocious 6-year-old plays cupid at Christmastime. Plays obnoxious brat the rest of the year.)
7:30 pm Stealing Christmas (Instructional video from The Grinch)
8:00 pm One Magic Christmas (Just one? And here I thought all Christmases were magical.)
10:00 pm It's a Wonderful Life (Death, suspected bank fraud, depression, attempted suicide... Really wonderful life you got there.)
11:00 pm Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (So don't light a fire or lock up your house- you could be very disappointed. Or robbed blind.)
11:59 pm Silent Night (Something you won't have for weeks.)


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