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 TV Bites With Neena Louise

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2004

by Neena Louise

5:00 am Robbie the Reindeer (British special dubbed by American celebrities. I guess they don't speak English in Britain.)
5:30 pm Christmas in Washington (Documentary on the security surrounding President Bush at Christmas. By the time the streets are closed, cars searched, packages x-rayed, and "suspicious persons" detained and interrogated, Christmas is over. Retailers lose millions.)
8:30 am Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas (Just in case you can't get enough of that loveably wacky duo.)
10:00 am Frosty the Low-Carb Frozen Food-like Product
10:30 am A Christmas Carol (No thanks. I'm good and sick of Christmas carols.)
11:00 am A Clay Aiken Christmas (Gumby and Pokey go...oh, wait, it's "Clay Aiken", not "claymation". Too bad.)
11:01 am National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Reality TV for the holidays.)
11:30 am The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)
12:00 pm Martha Stewart: Behind Bars at Christmas (Stewart makes festive bar cookies behind bars. Isn't she clever?)
12:10 pm Jingle All the Way (All the way to where?)
1:00 pm How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Got caught, and plea-bargained down to criminal mischief.)
1:30 pm Prancer Returns (Eats a pointsettia and dies.)
1:31 pm The Town Santa Forgot (Christmas in Fallujah.)
2:00 pm A Christmas Story (A kid wants a gun for Christmas. After getting arrested, expelled from school and forced into counselling, he puts his eye out.)
3:00 pm Olive the Reindeer Martini - Shaken, not Stirred
3:30 pm A Christmas Carol: The Musical (In case you're tired of the other 2,359 versions, here's one that's guaranteed to make you appreciate all the others.)
4:00 pm Snow (Young Santa gets stressed out and turns to drugs. Now I know why Rudolph has a red nose.)
4:30 pm Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Hic.)
4:35 pm Home Alone (Fantasy tale about a nice, quiet, weird-relative-free Christmas.)
5:00 pm Miracle on 42nd Street (Santa gets lost and winds up in a starring role on Broadway, fulfilling his life-long dream of being a dancer.)
6:30 pm 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (And all through the house, not a creature was stirring except that damn mouse that was chewing the wrapping paper, eating Santa's cookies and pooping all over the presents.)
8:00 pm Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (Actually, he isn't. Originally from Turkey, he's been labeled an "undesirable" and barred from entering the U.S.)
8:01 pm When Angels Come to Town (Angel masquerading as Columbo hits the shopping mall, repeating "just one more thing". Retailers cheer.)
9:00 pm Home for the Holidays (Sixth annual sickening schlockfest complete with sickeningly schlocky inspirational stories. Skip it.)
10:00 pm One Magic Christmas (Festive holiday classic featuring a desperate housewife, a murder, a drifter and kidnapped children. Fa-la-la.)
11:00 pm It's a Wonderful Life (One of the 932 airings this holiday season. Don't miss it!)
11:59 pm Silent Night (A snowstorm has killed the satellite signal


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