| 5:00 am |
Robbie the Reindeer (British special dubbed by American celebrities. I
guess they don't speak English in Britain.) |
| 5:30 pm |
Christmas in Washington (Documentary on the security surrounding
President Bush at Christmas. By the time the streets are closed, cars searched,
packages x-rayed, and "suspicious persons" detained and interrogated, Christmas is
over. Retailers lose millions.) |
| 8:30 am |
Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas (Just in case you can't get enough of
that loveably wacky duo.) |
| 10:00 am |
Frosty the Low-Carb Frozen Food-like Product |
| 10:30 am |
A Christmas Carol (No thanks. I'm good and sick of Christmas carols.) |
| 11:00 am |
A Clay Aiken Christmas (Gumby and Pokey go...oh, wait, it's "Clay Aiken",
not "claymation". Too bad.) |
| 11:01 am |
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Reality TV for the holidays.) |
| 11:30 am |
The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.) |
| 12:00 pm |
Martha Stewart: Behind Bars at Christmas (Stewart makes festive bar
cookies behind bars. Isn't she clever?) |
| 12:10 pm |
Jingle All the Way (All the way to where?) |
| 1:00 pm |
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Got caught, and plea-bargained down to
criminal mischief.) |
| 1:30 pm |
Prancer Returns (Eats a pointsettia and dies.) |
| 1:31 pm |
The Town Santa Forgot (Christmas in Fallujah.) |
| 2:00 pm |
A Christmas Story (A kid wants a gun for Christmas. After getting
arrested, expelled from school and forced into counselling, he puts his eye out.) |
| 3:00 pm |
Olive the Reindeer Martini - Shaken, not Stirred |
| 3:30 pm |
A Christmas Carol: The Musical (In case you're tired of the other 2,359
versions, here's one that's guaranteed to make you appreciate all the others.) |
| 4:00 pm |
Snow (Young Santa gets stressed out and turns to drugs. Now I know why
Rudolph has a red nose.) |
| 4:30 pm |
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Hic.) |
| 4:35 pm |
Home Alone (Fantasy tale about a nice, quiet, weird-relative-free
Christmas.) |
| 5:00 pm |
Miracle on 42nd Street (Santa gets lost and winds up in a starring role
on Broadway, fulfilling his life-long dream of being a dancer.) |
| 6:30 pm |
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (And all through the house, not a
creature was stirring except that damn mouse that was chewing the wrapping paper,
eating Santa's cookies and pooping all over the presents.) |
| 8:00 pm |
Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (Actually, he isn't. Originally from
Turkey, he's been labeled an "undesirable" and barred from entering the U.S.) |
| 8:01 pm |
When Angels Come to Town (Angel masquerading as Columbo hits the shopping
mall, repeating "just one more thing". Retailers cheer.) |
| 9:00 pm |
Home for the Holidays (Sixth annual sickening schlockfest complete with
sickeningly schlocky inspirational stories. Skip it.) |
| 10:00 pm |
One Magic Christmas (Festive holiday classic featuring a desperate
housewife, a murder, a drifter and kidnapped children. Fa-la-la.) |
| 11:00 pm |
It's a Wonderful Life (One of the 932 airings this holiday season. Don't
miss it!) |
| 11:59 pm |
Silent Night (A snowstorm has killed the satellite signal |
