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 TV Bites with Neena Louise


[Not the] TV Holiday Listings
by Neena Louise

5:00 am Snow Wonder (Riveting documentary that explores the science of snow. It's white. It falls from the sky when it's cold. Any questions?)
5:01 a.m. Flight of the Reindeer (Documentary that speculates on what would happen if flying reindeer tried to enter U.S. airspace. Specifically, they would be shot down and Santa would be interred at Guantánamo Bay, stripped of all his rights.)
6:00 a.m. White Christmas (Purple Christmas just won't cut it. It would be more interesting, though.)
6:30 a.m. Babes in Toyland (The story of Michael Jackson and the "special little boys" that shared Christmas - among other things - with him at Neverland.)
8:00 a.m. A Christmas Carol (There's no carol singing and no one named "Carol" in this tale. So why is it called "A Christmas Carol"? Anyone?)
8:03 m.a. Eve's Christmas (A dyslexic network executive misspells promos for Christmas Eve programming and gets fired.)
9:00 a.m. The Man Who Saved Christmas (i.e.: Santa.)
10:00 a.m. Snow (Similar to Yule Log, this broadcast shows a lovely snowstorm for those who don't get snow at Christmas. For those who do get snow, it's a horror movie.)
11:00 a.m. The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)
12:00 p.m. Martha Stewart: The Elf Apprentice (Martha travels to the North Pole to try to find an elf apprentice to groom and instruct in the proper way to make Christmas "a good thing". Insulted, the elves render Stewart unconscious, wrap her in her own ugly cheap sheets and deposit her on Donald Trump's doorstep.)
12:02 p.m. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Instructional video for potential thieves. Now banned in the U.S., but readily available on the Internet.)
1:00 p.m. Home Alone (Fantasy tale of a nice, quiet Christmas with no frenetic shopping, cooking or invasion of weird relatives.)
2:00 p.m. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Reality tale of an unpleasant, loud Christmas with frenetic shopping, cooking and invasion of weird relatives.)
2:30 p.m. Frosty the Snowman (Talking snowman finds a rabbit. He loves him and squeezes him and calls him George.)
3:00 p.m. Prancer Returns (After a year on his own, dodging hunters' bullets, trying to become a saddle horse, and wandering the roads while animal control officers try to shoot him with tranquilizers, Prancer returns to the North Pole and his arduous one-day-a-year work schedule.)
4:35 p.m. Silver Bells (Silver bells?? Wouldn't iron be more appropriate?)
4:45 p.m. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (And all through the house, the kids were being brats, the parents were desperately trying to assemble and hide toys and Santa was left waiting impatiently on the roof.)
5:30 p.m. Too Cool for Christmas (Isn't it supposed to be cool at Christmas?)
6:00 p.m. The Santa Clause (Obnoxious executive becomes the Big Guy at Christmas due to a technicality.)
6:30 p.m. The Santa Clause 2 (Obnoxious executive becomes...oh wait. Same thing. Just not funny.)
7:00 p.m. Scrooged (Magical tale of a greedy insurance agent who refuses to pay out on hurricane damage. When his house mysteriously floats away on Christmas Eve - taking his wife, kids and dog with it - he has a dramatic change of heart.)
7:30 p.m. It's a Wonderful Life (After the 4,932,903th airing of this movie, we get it, okay?)
8:00 p.m. One Minute Miracle on 34th Street (Hairdressers of New York tame Santa's wild locks with a hot oil treatment.)
8:01 p.m. The Town Santa Forgot (Christmas in any town in Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or Iran. Or any other country the U.S. has set its sights on for reform.)
8:30 p.m. One Magic Christmas (And it was the only one, so if you missed it, you're out of luck.)
9:00 p.m. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (He saw you sleeping and awake all year, so you better be good and not file a protection order against him or he'll retaliate for goodness sake.)
10:00 p.m. Olive the Other Reindeer (Subtitled "Reindeer: The Other Red Meat", this cooking show gives instructions on the proper way to dress game with olives for the holidays.)
10:30 p.m. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Cautionary tale about the perils of drinking and flying during the holiday season.)
11:58 p.m. Jingle All the Way (To here and there and everywhere. Make it stop!)
11:59 p.m. Silent Night (The jingling finally stops.)
We would love to know what you think, sound off on the TV message boards and let us know what you think!


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