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 TV Bites with Neena Louise

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings 2006
by Neena Louise

5:00 a.m. Michael Bolton: Tribute on Ice (I don't know what's worse here: "Michael Bolton" or "Tribue on Ice". Put 'em together and you have a bonafide freakshow.)
5:01 a.m. Elf (6-foot elf goes to New York to seek treatment for his abnormal growth.)
7:00 a.m. Crazy for Christmas (The Cuckoo for Coco-Puffs dons a festive furry hat and irritates the hell out of Santa on Christmas Eve.)
8:00 a.m. A Charlie Brown Christmas (Dateline special chronicling the sad tale of an odd-looking boy being bullied at Christmas.)
8:30 a.m. White Christmas (Tide infomercial on how to get your holiday table linens their whitest and brightest...even if your tables linens are red and green.)
9:30 a.m. Secret Santa (An alleged Al-Qaeda leader is exposed as a jolly old fellow in a red suit who prefers spreading cheer to destruction. Terrorists weep. Then riot. Then blow themselves up in order to teach Santa a lesson. Santa flees to the North Pole.)
10:00 a.m. Crazy Christmas Lights (Martha Stewart hangs lights wrapped in bits of holly, cinnamon sticks and ribbon, insisting it's a good thing. She's proven wrong when the holly and ribbon catch fire, burning the house down.)
11:00 a.m. The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)
12:00 p.m. Casper's Haunted Christmas (Thinking it's Hallowe'en, Casper and two buddies mistakenly haunt a man named Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas Eve. Classic Christmas tale ensues.)
12:30 p.m. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Mutant green dude who lives in a cave steals Christmas stuff from other mutants called "Whos".)
1:00 p.m. Home Alone (Fantasy tale of how many people would like to spend the holidays.)
1:01 p.m. All Dogs Christmas Carol (It goes something like this: "Arf Arf Arf. Woof. Woof. Woof." Not terribly tuneful, but, well, they're dogs.)
2:00 p.m. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Yeah, vacation from hell: They don't actually go anywhere, obnoxious relatives invade, the house gets wrecked and the father has a major meltdown.)
2:30 p.m. Frosty the Snowman (Children build a snowman that comes to life. As the children flee in terror, Frosty pursues them, demanding a carrot for a nose instead of a lousy button.)
3:00 p.m. Frosty Returns (After being melted the year before, Frosty comes back to life, seeking murderous revenge for being created with an inadequate nose. Again. Rated R.)
4:00 p.m. Deck the Halls (Spike TV's Christmas Smackdown Spectacular: Reigning champions The Halls are challenged by The Boughs.)
5:00 p.m. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (And all through the house, not a creature was stirring... Oh, who are we kidding? The house is a wreck, the kids won't go to bed, the parents are up until 3 a.m., the cat is systematically removing the tree ornaments and the dog is eating the gingerbread house.)
5:30 p.m. Call Me Claus (Santa Claus. I like my mice shaken, not stirred.)
6:00 p.m. A Diva's Christmas Carol (Barbra Streisand and Mariah Carey order people around on Christmas. In song. Millions cringe.)
6:03 p.m. 12 Days of Christmas Eve (It's Daybreak vs. Groundhog Day as Taye Diggs and Bill Murray find themselves reliving Christmas Eve over and over and over. Viewer discretion advised due to curse-laden toy-throwing and gingerbread man dismemberment.)
7:00 p.m. The Santa Claus Brothers (Documentary on cloning and the time-space continuum, providing scientific evidence that Santa really can visit a billion households in a single night.)
7:30 p.m. It's a Wonderful Life (Oh, yeah? Says who? Huh? Huh?)
8:00 p.m. Miracle on 34th Street (Exhausted single mom finds Tickle Me Elmo and a Playstation 3 at Macy's. On Christmas Eve.)
8:30 p.m. The Town Santa Forgot (Baghdad finds itself missing from Santa's route once again. Hoping to encourage Santa, they send up flares. When that doesn't work, they fire missiles. Santa gives it a wide berth. Again.)
8:32 p.m. Jingle All the Way (Tormented by incessant radio commercials for Chia Pets, father kills entire family during a cross-country car trip to visit relatives for the holidays.)
9:00 p.m. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (So you better not shout. Or pout. Or be anything that could be construed as least for a day.)
10:00 p.m. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (After having one drink too many, Rudolph drives Santa's sleigh in a circle all night, disappointing millions. Mothers Against Drunk Driving uses the incident for its Christmas campaign.)
10:30 p.m. One Magic Christmas (Magician David Blaine wraps himself in tinsel and suspends himself upside down from the north pole wearing nothing but festive wool socks. Santa and the elves throw snowballs and mock him, then leave him there alone to freeze.)
11:30 p.m. A Christmas Carol (Just one carol? Hah! I hear a zillion a day: on every single TV commercial, piped into every store, popping up on the Internet, on the radio... Make it stop!)
11:59 p.m. Silent Night (The damn carols stop. Amen.)
We would love to know what you think, sound off on the TV message boards and let us know what you think!


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