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 TV Bites with Neena Louise

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings for Christmas 2007
by Neena Louise

5:00 a.m. Holiday Switch (The Home Shopping Network features The Clapper as it gets a festive makeover for the holiday season. Comes in your choice of snowflake- or ornament-shape in red, green or bling.)
6:00 a.m. A Christmas Carol (Fa la la la la la, la la...*bang!*. Enough already.)
6:01 a.m. Frosty the Snowman (Well, I hope he's frosty! Warmed-Over Snowman just wouldn't work.)
7:00 a.m. Prancer Returns (Animated tale follows the reindeer Prancer as he returns all the ugly knitted reindeer sweaters he got for Christmas.)
7:30 a.m. Shrek the Halls (Obnoxious green creature eats Santa and assumes his persona, giving snot, ear wax and worms to all the children. The children revolt and torture him with Christmas carols and It's a Wonderful Life.)
7:69 a.m. Babes in Toyland (Festive holiday frolic featuring hot babes running amok at a sale at a sex shop. Rated R.)
8:30 a.m. A Charlie Brown Christmas (Cautionary tale of what happens when a bullied boy is forced to buy a Christmas tree for his tormentors. Viewer discretion advised.)
9:00 a.m. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (The truth is revealed for the first time: The Grinch didn't steal Christmas because his heart was too small. He stole it to keep his dog Max happy. When Max runs off with a Who's cat, the Grinch's teeny heart breaks.)
10:00 a.m. Home Alone (Oh, how I wish.)
10:01 a.m. White Christmas Sale (Havoc ensues when Macy's has a pre-Christmas white sale and shoppers discover that means only white-colored things are on sale.)
11:00 a.m. Flight of the Reindeer (Documentary from the perspective of Santa's reindeer. Contains foul language, violence and a lot of poop. Viewer discretion is advised.)
12:00 p.m. The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)
2:00 p.m. Santa Baby (Santa has a one-night stand on Christmas Eve with a lonely housewife and becomes the father of a fat, bearded baby. When the mother sues for child support, she's awarded a lifetime supply of milk and cookies.)
2:00 p.m. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (And all through the house, every creature was stirring, not only the mice, but the kids, the parents, the dog, the cat, weirdo relatives, annoying carolers...)
2:30 p.m. The Man Who Saved Christmas (When Santa decides to take his only working day of the year off to go surfing in Hawaii, Father Time is forced to take over. When everyone receives cheap watches for Christmas, Santa is fired. Having no work skills, Santa becomes homeless.)
4:00 p.m. Miracle Ear on 34th Street (Santa reveals how he knows everything about everyone: His elves modified a Miracle Ear to allow him to hear every single word everyone says. The CIA confiscates the device.)
4:45 p.m. Radio City Christmas Spectacular (The Rockettes kick it up for another tired Christmas special. The world yawns.)
6:00 p.m. The Santa Clause (A loser is tricked into assuming the role of an international icon. He sues, but loses and is punished with a fine of 238 trillion dollars and is made to return all elf-made toys to department stores. Without receipts.)
6:30 p.m. Crazy Christmas Lights (A collection of tacky Christmas light displays from weirdos that have waaaaay too much time on their hands.)
7:00 p.m. It's a Wonderful Life (Depressed man with many children decides to kill himself. Wingless angel saves him. There. Now you don't have to watch it. Again.)
7:01 p.m. Little Drummer Boy (The Magi take their "special little friend" with them on their road trip to Bethlehem. Despite repeatedly drumming out "SOS" in Morse code, no one comes to the boy's aid.)
8:30 p.m. Olive the Other Reindeer (Olive Oyl becomes confused after suffering a bout of lunaphobia and tries to sign up for sleigh-pulling duty on Christmas Eve.)
9:00 p.m. One Magic Christmas (Harry Potter, along with Hermoine and Ron, go to the north pole to free the elves from their large, jolly master. The elves rejoice, but the rest of the world is outraged and the trio are forced to live on the lam.)
10:00 p.m. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (Instructional video on how to sweep your house for hidden cameras and electronic bugs to keep the creepy Santa from knowing when you're sleeping and when you're awake.)
10:30 p.m. The Town Santa Forgot (So they lied about Santa comin' to town.)
10:31 p.m. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Alcoholic reindeer enters rehab. Horrified that he might become like the bevy of spoiled celebrities he meets, he leaves rehab, cured of his drinking habit for good.)
11:00 p.m. All I Want for Christmas (Is for the Writers Guild of America strike to be over. The thought of reality TV taking over the airwaves...[shudder]. Lump of coal to network Suits!)
11:59 p.m. Silent Night (The writers' strike is not resolved. The screen goes dark.)

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