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 TV Bites with Neena Louise

[Not the] TV Holiday Listings for Christmas 2008
by Neena Louise

6:00 a.m.

A Christmas Carol (Fantasy tale in which only one Christmas carol is played during the holiday season. Once.)

6:03 a.m.

Flight of the Reindeer (On Christmas Eve, Santa's reindeer take flight, only to be shot down by fighter pilots who mistake them for cleverly-disguised Al Qaeda members.)

6:30 a.m.

Santa Baby (The world is shocked when a woman in Podunk gives birth to a white-bearded baby that bawled "ho, ho, ho" as it emerged. The mystery is solved when the mother, who has a beard fetish, admitted to a daliance with her Christmas wish - a "surprise stranger" - on Christmas Eve.)

7:30 a.m.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas (And all through the house, not a creature was stirring... Oh, puh-lease! It was chaos, I tell you. Chaos!)

8:00 a.m.

Olive the Other Reindeer (Blitzen's secret wife Olive, tired of being kept a secret, breaks out on Christmas Eve, insisting on coming along. She then demands all the other reindeer ask for directions. Santa's sleigh gets lost in a sandstorm, then overshoots North America and plunges into the ocean.)

9:00 a.m.

The Town Santa Forgot (Pretty much every town in the U.S. this year, since few people still own their houses.)

9:30 a.m.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (It was surprisingly easy. All he did was pipe Christmas carols into every store and onto every street; played them 24 hours a day on every radio station, TV station and Internet site. As potential shoppers fled into hiding, sobbing "make it stop", the Grinch simply swept in and took whatever he wanted.)

10:30 a.m.

All I Want for Christmas (Is for my weirdo relatives to stay away.)

10:31 a.m.

Prancer Returns (Prancer is the only reindeer that reports for duty on Christmas Eve. All the other reindeer are on strike, protesting their arduous one-day-a-year work schedule. When Prancer crosses the picket line, he is labeled a scab and is pelted with snowballs.)

11:00 a.m.

The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to Bore All. 6 hours.)

12:30 p.m.

Nutcracker on Ice (The only intelligent network executive in existence finally shelves the annual ballet snorefest.)

12:31 p.m.

The House Without a Christmas Tree (You mean there's just one house without a Christmas tree? Difficult to believe.)

1:00 p.m.

Frosty the Snowman (Creepy tale of a snowman that suddenly springs to life. As the children flee in terror, Frosty lurches down the street, searching for his "special friend" Rudolph the rednosed reindeer. Rated R.)

2:00 p.m.

Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer (Rudolph has a jolly old time on Christmas Eve, indulging in spiked egg nog and mull wine. His nose toots and shines with happiness and glee.)

2:30 p.m.

Rudolph's Shiny New Year (Rudolph, not willing to end his jolly old time of Christmas, continues imbibing into the new year. His nose still shines happily, though a litter dimmer.)

3:00 p.m.

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (A homeless, chronic alcoholic reindeer wanders the streets with his rapidly-melting "special friend" Frosty, begging for change to buy egg nog and mull wine. His nose no longer shines, as it fell off when he drank antifreeze.) 

3:30 p.m.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus (But only for you, my pretty.)

3:31 p.m.

The Man Who Saved Christmas (You'd think that would be Santa Claus, but it's actually George Bush with his bail-out packages that result in giving people still more credit and even more room to live beyond their means and go even further into debt. Stores cheer.)

4:30 p.m.

Home Alone (Parents "forget" their youngest kid at home when the go off on Christmas vacation. In actuality, they left him on purpose to do the housework and keep the house secure from burglars while they enjoyed themselves overseas. Child Protective Services arrests them upon their return.)

6:00 p.m.

Yule Log (Graphic medical documentary that explains what happens to one's colon the day after gorging on turkey and all the trimmings. Viewer discretion advised.)

7:30 p.m.

Babes in Toyland (Attractive young women demonstrate festive sex toys.)

8:30 p.m.

Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (So you better not pout or cry. You'd also better cut the air pollution, remove all roof hazards, ensure you have a selection of peanut-free cookies ready, clean the fireplace of all ash and soot and have a copy of your insurance policy handy. Otherwise, Santa will deem it "too risky" and won't be comin' to town after all.)

9:00 p.m.

It's a Wonderful Life (Bite me.)

9:01 p.m.

Little Drummer Boy (The Magi meet a nice young man at band camp and enslave him, forcing him to lead them across the desert in the middle of the night, drumming for his life.)

10:30 p.m.

Miracle Greens on 34th Street (Santa announces he's trying to cut down on his trans-fats and cholesterol, and would  prefer a nutritional supplement be left for him on Christmas Eve instead of cookies and milk.)

11:00 p.m.

Crazy Christmas Lights (Documentary on redneck freaks that having nothing better to do than spend money they don't have on garish Christmas displays. The neighbors shriek "get a life" as they are forced to install blackout curtains.)

11:30 p.m.

Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (On Christmas Eve, a donkey with an unfortunate birth defect meets up on with an elephant named Dumbo with the same birth defect. They create a movement EPRALEAC [End Prejudice Against the Long-Eared At Christmas] but no one cares and they go bankrupt.)

11:58 p.m.

White Christmas Papers (President elect Obama publishes a series of white papers on policies to boost consumer confidence during the holiday season in times of economic downturn. Guaranteed to bore you to tears and put little ones to sleep.)

11:59 p.m.

Silent Night (See? The little ones are asleep.)



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