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[Not the] TV Holiday Listings - 2009

Neena Louise

 6:00 a.m. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (Since advertisers started with the Christmas commercials before Halloween, Thanksgiving was pretty much ignored. It deserves at least one mention.)
 6:30 a.m.  12 Days of Christmas Eve (Horror movie of a Christmas Eve that repeats 12 times. After 12 times the mess and chaos, the family has a nervous breakdown and smashes everything with a sledgehammer before burning the house down.)
 7:30 a.m.  How the Grinch Stole Christmas (The truth finally comes out: The Grinch's true identity is Bernie Madoff and he has been stealing Christmas - and everything else - for decades.)
 8:00 a.m.  Crazy Christmas Lights (The annual redneck I've-got-too-much-time-on-my-hands display of conspicuous consumption.)
 8:30 a.m.  Invasion of the Christmas Lights (Not to be outdone, aliens observing the crazed earthlings and their energy-wasting light displays invade earth with a spectacular light show of their own.)
 8:31 a.m.  Frosty the Snowcone (Dairy Queen introduces festive giant snowcones for the holiday season. I like blue.)
 9:00 a.m.  Deck the Halls (Ty Pennington and the Extreme Makeover crew show up at the north pole to help a very old, fat bearded man who is unemployed 364 days a year and has many little people to support. He whines out his sob story and the gang get to work laying new floor in his centuries-old complex. Tears ensue. Mainly from the elves: as their workshop becomes more efficient, so does their workload.)
 10:00 a.m.  He Sees You When You’re Sleeping (Dateline special report of a fat bearded man that stalks millions, but has yet to be caught.)
 10:30 a.m.  Call Me Claus (Santa Claus. Shaken, not stirred. Like a bowl full of jelly.)
 11:00 a.m.  Recipe for a Perfect Christmas (Take one (1) house that doesn't need cleaning. Add perfect gifts to taste. Subtract all (zillions) weird, creepy relatives. Sprinkle in pre-cooked turkey dinner. Stir in one (1) big screen TV with one (1) telephone that doesn't ring. Blend six (6) cups of eggnog. Mix well. Fold in comfy sweats. Bake for 18 hours at 72°F. Ta-da! Perfect Christmas.)
 12:00 p.m.  12 Men of Christmas (Variety special featuring The Chippendales dancers with
 12:31 p.m.  All She Wants for Christmas (See above.)
 12:30 p.m.  Rudolph the Rednose Pitbull (Mistreated pitbull finally has enough and eats a reindeer. Not realizing it was Rudolph, the dog acquires a red nose. Santa adopts him, tames him and teaches him to fetch milk and cookies.)
 1:00 p.m.  Sons of Mistletoe (They're called seeds.)
 1:30 p.m.  Crazy for Christmas (Weird, reclusive woman stuffs her house floor-to-ceiling with moldering Christmas decorations. Family members enlist the help of A&E's Hoarders, but the woman rudely refuses to let them throw out the 50 slabs of 10-year-old fruitcake, 40 dead Christmas trees or any of the hundreds of broken, crud-encrusted ornaments.)
 2:30 p.m.  The Road to Christmas. . . (. . . is paved with the detritus of frayed nerves, bits of wrapping paper and clothes that no longer fit.) 
 3:30 p.m.  The Nutcracker Suite (Ballet to bore...oh, wait! It's been cancelled! It's a holiday miracle!)
 3:30 p.m.  A Dog Named Christmas (Not-too-bright family gets a dog in August. Fittingly - for them, anyway - they name it "Christmas". Confused, the dog only barks "ho, ho, ho".)
 4:30 p.m.  Chasing Christmas (Dim-witted family chase their dog named "Christmas". Good times.)
 5:30 p.m.  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Now I know how she contracted H1N1.)
 5:31 p.m.  Babes in Toyland (Hoping to boost sales, desperate toy stores hire scantily-clad women to wander around. Considering most kids don't care what women wear, most mothers aren't interested and most fathers are so distracted that they buy nothing, the ploy fails spectacularly.)
 6:30 p.m.  I'll Be Home for Christmas (Wish it was only in my dreams.)
 8:00 p.m.  White House Christmas (Publicity whores Michaele and Tareq Salahi try to crash the White House Christmas party. Before the media notices them, Santa saves the day by pelting them with lumps of coal, chasing them back to their sick, delusional little world.)
 9:00 p.m.  One Magic Christmas (Fantasy tale of a Christmas where no one fights, everyone loves their gifts and weird Uncle Bob doesn't get plastered.)
 10:30 p.m.  It's a Wonderful Life (Loser makes good. That's the entire plot. The end.)
 11:31 p.m.  Nature's Miracle on 34th Street (With the reindeer excreting all over New York's busy 34th Street, incurring millions in fines, Santa stows away gallons of Nature's Miracle Pet Stain and Odor Remover.)
 11:59 p.m.  Silent Night (A what night, now? Such a thing does not exist during the holidays.)


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